things I should say to my boss

I would love to make this deadline, but I've got much more important things to do.

In less than three weeks I have to stand before the Creator of all that is and justify my existence. He's the one who is paying the bills, He writes the checks. If I don't satisfy Him, I won't be able to make ends meet. On the other hand, if He's happy with me, I'm on easy street. You could fire me, and I wouldn't even notice.

I have to start working on myself.

Sounds ridiculous to you?

Sounds ridiculous to me too.. that's my problem.

In eighteen days I have to stand before the King of Kings, and I'm affraid I'll just be standing in synagogue, almost completely unaware of my current situation.

Can you imagine, being judged by the King and being so oblivious as to not know what is going on?

What chance do I have if I can't speak in my own defense? I'll be like someone showing up to court drunk.

Thank God He's merciful and graceful, exceedingly patient, infinitely kind and truthful, looks out for the good of all, overlooks transgression, crime, and sin and cleanses all.*

I'm only going to get off because He'll let me off; but shouldn't I at least put in the effort?

Wouldn't it be nice if I could be present for my judgement, maybe thank HaShem profusely for his infinite mercies?

Anyways, that's the way the conversation should go. But of course I won't say it. Year after year, this is what we go through, and we don't say these things, we don't take a month off to prepare (which by the way is the whole purpose of this month of Elul) to take stock, and to get to know God in a personal way. In the month of Elul we say the King is in the field -- He's around, get to know Him, so that when He sits on His lofty throne come Rosh HaShanah, we'll have a clue who it is we're standing before.

He's also our father, so we know even if He doesn't go easy on us, it's all for our own good. But Still. There are babies, who are all but unaware of the existence of their parents, and then there are children who know and recognize their parents, who take great pleasure in the attention afforded them, who want nothing more than to show off a new project or bring home a pleasing report card.

There are even young adults whose successes in the real world are even more precious in their parents' eyes.

And then there are those children who have grown, and wed, and birthed, and brought home grandchildren for their parents' pleasure.

Our mitzwoth are referred to as our children. When we do mitzwoth, real mitzwoth, the kind of mitzwoth that we meant to do, that we rushed to do, that we were overbrimming with joy to do, these mitzwoth are as alive as children. They have a body (the action) and a soul. (the intent)

When we come before HaShem in eighteen days, we don't (really) have to be worried whether or not we will get a favorable judge or a merciful jury, but what if Rosh HaShanah could be like bringing your kids home for a visit with their Grandfather??

That's what it really means to be inscribed in the book of life.

* this is my own translation of the 13 attributes of mercy

exile as scalpel

Two interesting points I've seen recently in Rav Avraham Azulai's Hesed L'Avraham:

He goes into great detail as to the suffering of the soul in Gehenom, purgatory, but the most important point changes one's whole perspective: The suffering of the soul is not a punishment, it is a purification process for the sole benefit of the soul. Normally we associate Gehenom with the non-Jewish idea of 'Hell,' but there is almost no correllation. Gehenom is a lot closer to vital soul-saving surgery performed on a soul in grave danger.

In that sense it might be possible to say that this world by default becomes a form of surgery with anesthesia. (In the most protracted sense.) Gehenom would be surgery without the anesthesia. Although I think all Kabbalistic texts agree that Gehenom is categorically less painful than reincarnation as a means of treatment for spiritual damage. I believe this is mainly because of the additional damage one will most likely cause in another reincarnation.

The point though, is that Gehenom, with all the rivers of fire, demons, and scorpions, is a therapy aimed at spiritual health, not at causing suffering. [This becomes apparent when we look at Pirkei Avot where we are warned not to think of Gehenom as a refuge after we die. (according to the understandings of the Notzer Hesed) How could Gehenom possibly be a refuge? It's a refuge from taking accountability for one's actions (vis a vis one's sins) because one might be tempted not to repent and simply let the fires of Gehenom cleanse one's soul. Talk about living life on credit.]

The second and related point of interest is that R' Azulai draws connections between the micro and macrocosm, explaining that exile is the spiritual equivalent for the totality of the nation of Israel, as the suffering in Gehenom is for a single Jewish soul. Just as Gehenom is a cleansing process for the soul, the exile is meant to cleanse and purify the Jewish people -- the redemption marks the completion of that purification.

(Hesed l'Avraham 5:12)

brand spanking new

When a baby comes into the world, there are two things (and only two things) it needs to work on. Only after it has mastered these two can it really move on to the rest of life. What are the two things? (1) eating its food, and (2) excreting its waste. 

If you watch a newborn, you will see just how much effort they expend performing these two apparently simple tasks.

What I only realized recently is that in a broad sense we can be (and generally are, for most of our lives) spiritual newborns. Spiritually speaking our souls alternate between performing holy deeds like mitzwoth, hesed, prayer or learning, and removing the waste and damage done through less than spiritual endeavors, through teshuvah. 

It's not really such a long jump to relate mitzwot (and everything else we categorized along with them) as 'eating' because we know that in Gan Eden, the souls are clothed in the mitzwoth they performed in their lifetime; just as the food we eat becomes the flesh our souls wear in this world. Along the same lines, the connection between the expulsion of waste from the body and the expulsion of waste from the soul (teshuvah) is apparent.

The really interesting question for all of us to think about is: Newborns grow up, and move beyond eating and excreting to many far more interesting goals; what comes next spiritually?

Yes, just as these two basic functions (eating and excreting) still play a real role in our day to day adult existence, our spiritual lives will forever revolve around mitzwoth and teshuvah, but the spaces in between is where all the real depth takes place, where relationships are built, and life is given meaning.

I believe that HaShem put all the deepest secrets of life (the universe and everything) right in front of us. If we really stop and think about life and living, growth and growing, we'll see just how far our souls can grow.

word offerings

All of us bear within us the Holy letters of HaShem's speech that give us life. Everything in existence does. When we sin, these letters are cut off from Godliness and become a channel for the klippoth, the purely self-interested element of creation, to gain sustenance.

This is why teshuvah must be done through words, through vidui, the pronouncement of your sins before HaShem. Each utterance of the vidui returns those Holy letters to their source, reconnecting them and us with the source of all life.
(paraphrased from the Pri Haaretz on parashath beha'alotcha)

plight of the naked soul

What's the point of the Neshama coming into this world? When it leaves this world it can go no higher than the source from which it was originally carved. Up there it will remain pure but down here there is nothing but risk, and how many Neshamoth get to say they came out of this world unharmed, pure as when they came into it?

These aren't my questions, they are the questions of Rav Avraham Azulai as recorded in his sefer Hesed L'Avraham (4:4). (you can find the complete hebrew text online here) But, more importantly what are his answers?

He explains that before the Neshama comes down into this world, she is the daughter of the King who is locked away in a safe place, but she cannot come before the presence of the King because she has no clothing. It is only after she comes down into this world and is clothed in all the lower layers of soul, Ruah, Nefesh, and even a physical body, that she can perform mitzwoth. The mitzwoth are her only clothing, and after 120 years when she returns to her Father, her clothes allow her to gaze at His Countenance, and derive great unmeasurable pleasure from it.

So you see, without ever coming into this world it might seem like she remains more pure, but she remains unfulfilled, isolated, and distanced from her own Father.

[I shared this with the Taxi driver who brought me to work today, I saw a Likkutei Moharan in his door when I got in, though he wasn't wearing a kippah. He asked me what I was learning so I told him a little about Rav Azulai, and about his great-grandson, the Chida, about the Ohr HaHayyim, the Chida's teacher, and so on. So, he said, he lived around the time of Rebbe Nachman, I agreed more or less. I asked him if he had been to Uman, he said he went last Elul but he still needs to 'strengthen' his faith.. I said Amen, we all need to. I'm envious that he has been to Uman and I haven't, but I didn't tell him that. Though I was very happy that he had been.]

upon my word

In Pirkei Avoth, we learn that Avtalyon says "wisemen be careful with your words, lest you require an exile, and you will be exiled to a place of poisoned water, and your students will drink from it and die, and the name of heaven will be disgraced."

The Notzer Hesed explains this verse, emphasizing "be careful with your words." Everything else that comes about in the verse, he explains, comes from being careless and saying unnecesary words.

Tonight, learning this with my hevruta, Pesah, we arrived at an understanding of just how much our words affect our world, until even the meaningless unnecesary words have such an impact.

Only through this lesson was I able to understand the words of the Pri Ha'aretz that one who understands that it is not his own voice but the voice of HaShem speaking can create worlds. HaShem created us b'tzelem elokim, in His divine image. He gave us speech. Just as the world was created when He spoke, so too, when we speak we are creating worlds. If we do not heed our words, the worlds of our creation will be distorted and damaging. If we speak with the proper awareness and humility of where our voices, our words, come from, then we can create worlds of bounty and blessing.

[this is the 630th post to this blog, which is the gematria of קצתי בחיי which has special significance to me. Thank you HaShem for all of your beauty and kindness, I lack nothing, and have so very much. I am diminished from all of your kindness. טובה הארץ מאוד מאוד - the land is exceedingly good]

the roots of change

I was overjoyed this morning at this new understanding, so bear with me and perhaps you will enjoy it too.

According to the Bnei Yisaschar (Reb Tzvi Elimelech of Dinov) the Torah of Din, which was also the Torah of Beit Shammai, requires building step by step from humble origins to great accomplishments. The Torah of Hesed, which was also the Torah of Beit Hillel, on the other hand can be attained and perceived in a single moment. With this the Bnei Yisaschar explains the difference of opinion regarding the Tree New Year. Both agree that the fullness of the Tree New Year is reached on the 15 of Shvat, but Beit Shammai believes we have to work to get there hence we celebrate it on the 1st of Shvat, while Beit Hillel believes we can receive the fullness all at once on the 15th, so we celebrate then. (See more detail in this earlier post)

Today, Rosh Hodesh Shvat, is the Tree New Year according to Shammai, and I wanted to celebrate it with extra joy so that I could satisfy both opinions. (even though l'halachah we hold like Beit Hillel in this case) I was upset however that for a number of reasons I didn't have the time I wanted to really focus on Rosh Hodesh and the Tree New Year. I was upset until HaShem reminded me of Beit Shammai's opinion, which is that we can't just jump into something, but rather must build towards it. With this knowledge I was able to greatly enjoy the limited celebration that was the oppurtunity available to me, knowing full well that I would build from this starting point until a real crescendo on Tu b'Shvat, the 15th.

From this I was able to understand what a special time Rosh Hodesh Shvat is as well as all the days from now until Tu b'Shvat. They are especially me'sugal, (pertinent) to accomplishing great things through slow and steady growth through devotion.

Now is the time of year when we are encouraged to build gradually, to take on small advances and not big ones, to make minor and lasting changes such that fourteen days from now we will be thoroughly changed and (seemingly) effortlessly new.

This is mirrored in the nature of the awakening of the trees from winter, they don't appear to change at all on the outside, but today the sap begins to flow, and before we know it, 14 days from now there will be new buds, promises of new life, new growth, of another spring.

investing today in tomorrow

In the past I've spoken about how every revellation of holiness involves an element of death. In looking into the first two berachoth of the Amidah (shemoneh esrei) I've gained a new understanding. The relationship of the first two berachoth is the relationship of Hochmah (Wisdom) and Binah. (Understanding) These two attributes are called Abba and Ema, father and mother. According to Chazal, a child begins as something purely intellectual, a drop that begins in his father's mind and eventually impregnates his mother. Within his mother the drop is fleshed out from something barely corporeal into a fully-formed complete person. (a Komah Shelaimah)

What in the past has appeared to me as an element of death is actually the fall of the drop from the intellect of the father into the womb of the mother. It is a yeridah l'tzorech aliyah, a fall in order to rise. In the womb the idea is given clothing, garbed in manifold layers of interfaces with which it can interact with the world, expressing its underlying will. These interfaces are the 248 limbs and 365 sinews. Through each element of the body, the clothing of the soul, one of the 613 mitzwoth is given voice.

There is a major element here that I had never really considered or understood before. The pure intellectual drop cannot grow, it has no permanence, without the womb. Only in the womb of the mother can that momentary thought find a chance at a real and lasting life. It is important to recognize that just as the initial inspiration drop was hidden away inside the mind of his father, so too is the drop hidden away within his mother's womb. Only in a hidden place can this drop come to be, and only in a hidden place can this drop grow into a whole and complete world.

Of course to accomplish anything, to express his will, the new child must exit the womb and enter into the world. The revealed world is where the most important actions of the child will take place. Only in the light of day is the child's true character revealed.

This is an important point. Every day consists of a period of light and a period of darkness. The light of day is there to determine and make known what is. The darkness of night is the time in which growth and change actually take place. As Shlomo HaMelech says, "there is nothing new under the sun." Only in the darkness of night is there newness, the moon which changes and grows anew each month, each hodesh, each hadash, each newness.

Each morning a new light is shined upon the world that never was seen before, and each night the light dissipates so that new growth and change can be.

In this sense, night goes from being a time of fear and dinim, to a time of blessing and growth, true the light has left the world, but only to hide all of creation so that HaShem may actively recreate us, grow us, into something new and greater.

Each night before we sleep it is important to say Shema and vidui (acknowledge all our shortcomings of the day) then we sleep--our Neshama, our soul, ascends to the spiritual heights and is allowed to grow and develop only to return new and greater the next morning when we wake to the light of the new day to see what changed and what has become of the world overnight.

For someone who fears the darkness it is comforting to awaken each morning and see that everything is just as we left it. But, for someone who wants to grow so much, wants the world and life to be so much more, everything being the same tomorrow is what we fear.

This is why emunah is so important in the night, emunah is the recognition that only HaShem controls what will be, because only HaShem can cause real growth. Our actions during the day show HaShem how much we want to achieve how much we really want to grow, how much we we made use of everthing HaShem gave us today, and in the night is when HaShem assesses and fulfills our desires of the day.

That's the fear of the din, the judgment, of the night, we fear that we didn't make it clear how much we want and need from HaShem tomorrow. We fear that perhaps HaShem will find us lacking and give us a rude awakening tomorrow. It behooves us to give HaShem everything today so that HaShem will give us everything tomorrow.

life of a window

Everything of value to us is a window through which we can connect to HaShem. Every person, every place, every thing, every activity. They are all windows through which HaShem shines his light upon us.

When my grandfather of blessed memory passed away two days ago, (my grandfather who became my father in many ways when I moved to Israel,) I didn't feel a loss the way most people say it should be felt. It's taking me a long time to work through my feelings, but most of all it has given me new insight. Even in death my grandfather hasn't stopped instructing and teaching.

I was priviledged and honored to have grown up with him as the definition of what a grandfather should be. Others should be blessed to be so priviledged. He always loved unconditionally, and had equally unconditional expectations. If you want to do something you must do it to the utmost. That's what he taught me most of all.

That window of HaShem's light, through which I could perceive HaShem's endless affection for and devotion to me, doesn't shine out of a body anymore. But that window is still there, indellibly etched on who I am and how I think, what I expect of myself. What HaShem expects of me.

Even now I can't be sad, the particular design, engineering, and execution of said window is no more, but the light still shines from it so brightly.

When what we possessed is a relationship with HaShem, it's never lost--it only gets deeper, more powerful, and more present.

(You can see the Tanya of a few weeks ago for more in depth explanation.)

a chevruta or death

[touching on our chevruta topic]
On the Shuvu Bonim website, I found a shiur delivered by the Rosh Yeshivah, the first couple of paragraphs mention the importance of chevruta:

‘Either a study partner or death,’ - in very short he brings down that for Jews, seeing one another revives us, whereas being appart brings death, that's why a Jew makes the blessing מחיי מתים (Blessed is he who revives the dead) when he hasn't seen his fellow Jew in a long time--their coming together is a revival. (paraphrased by me)

He says a lot more than this simple distillation. It's worth taking a look at.

critters

The Noam Elimelech (Parashath Shemini) brings down a midrash that the Angels asked HaShem why he created the shratzim, insects and vermin? HaShem explained I created them for the prosecution. The Angels didn't understand so HaShem explained further: When the prosecution comes to claim that Bnei Yisrael doesn't deserve to exist, and that they shouldn't have been created, I will explain that the vermin also were created though they serve no purpose, so that's not a good enough reason why Bnei Yisrael shouldn't exist.

Now, perhaps we'll look at cockroaches, ants, spiders, flies, etc a little bit differently?

Personally, I try to learn something from the insects that invade my life. Ants are so dilligent they continue on with their task no matter whether they are succeeding or failing. Silverfish turn to dust when you kill them, to remind us that we are only dust. Flies can fly wherever they want and still end up deep in the refuse--so too, we Jews (who have the wings of Ahavah and Yirah) have to learn from them to use our wings to fly to the right and not the wrong places. Spiders could teach us a lot about patience. And so on.

denial at its best

This year was the first year that I noticed that Elul is always incredibly difficult for me. I never can get a functional schedule down and I never make it to slichot as often as I would like. This time, being aware of the impediment, I'm still working on a schedule but I haven't let it upset me, and I'm having the best Elul ever. Thank HaShem.

As my wife quoted Rav Kook to me this evening, when we remove all of the forces that try to depress our hearts, we find a brilliant happiness.

Sometimes it's enough to figure out what it is that's making your life so difficult and then to avoid it. That's one of the secrets to happiness, that is obvious and still we often fail to achieve it.

This is the best use for our over-grown powers of denial and procrastination--put off being depressed till later.

black fire on white fire

It occurred to me, while looking at a sefer that newborn babies love the contrast of black and white because they were learning Torah in the womb in it's raw form of black fire on white fire.

don't leave anywhere without it

My friend Oren hit upon a very powerful Torah at our seudah on Rosh Hodesh Menachem Av.

We were discussing the teaching (in multiple places) of the Alter Rebbe of Lubavitch that this world is far greater than the world to come. Oren also brought up a story about the Baal Shem Tov after his passing not wanting to return to the darkness of this world, not even to help his own drowning son.

We wondered at that, how can it be that this world is so amazingly unbelievable but then we move on to another world, which seems so amazing that we forget that our previous incarnation was even more blessed? To which we discovered the answer is not that one world or place is better than another, but rather that wherever you currently are situated is the best (and brightest) of all worlds. Being that HaShem always puts us 'here' now.

The best oppurtunity we have to connect to HaShem is always right 'here' right now. Any time wasted thinking about being somewhere else is a lost (unparalleled) oppurtunity to connect to HaShem in the unique way open and available to you at this very moment.

That's the lesson of the Baal Shem Tov, but it took us a number of different lessons and different stories to really own it.

May we all be able to connect to HaShem wherever we may be right now. דרשו את ה' בהמצאו - seek out God where you can be found.

a theory to put into practice

In the past I've spoken about how tzimtzum (what is normally translated as the constriction of HaShem's light) can actually be seen in reverse, where HaShem reveals too much light, such that we cannot possibly receive it. In such a case, all that light appears to us as darkness.

How do we sensitize ourselves to receive more of HaShem's light? By relegating ourselves to the edges and making more space for HaShem in the middle, essentially performing our own personal tzimtzum. In essence we are opening ourselves up further, to be able to receive more light from HaShem transitioning from something that was once darkness (to us because of the overwhelming magnitude of HaShem's light) into a space of light.

We can learn this lesson from our own eyes. When there is little or no lighting, our eyes open as wide as possible, to gather more light. Similarly, when we are in a dark space spiritually, our souls need to open up as wide as possible to gather more of HaShem's light.

We find something very cool. That HaShem created the world through tzimtzum, to bring his light down to us, and then we return to HaShem through our own tzimtzum, making ever-greater levels of His light available to/through us.

This not only is the picture perfect image of a marriage, where both parties move themselves to the edges so that something much greater than the sum of its parts, a new house of israel, can take form in the middle; it is also the answer to a curious puzzle I raised previously. [here in a shield from death]

I was pondering why it seems that with any revellation of HaShem's being, there corresponds a fall in spiritual level, a kind of death. It seems here after this discussion, that the death that happens is the tzimtzum of the individual that brings about the revellation of HaShem. Rather than the death following the revellation of HaShem, it is possible to understand that the death actually happens first (as a form of tzimtzum) and only through the revellation of HaShem is life restored.

Even from the passuk this can be seen: לא יראני האדם וחי - man cannot see me and live. Instead we can read it like this: לא יראני - someone who is metzumtzam [לא is also א-ל the name that corresponds to din and tzimtzum] will see me. האדם - (which is gematria 50, the final gate of understanding (בינה) which is the level of אין (ayin) nothingness) become ayin [אדם also means 'red' which is the color of דין a midah which also relates to tzimtzum-- ie. האדם can mean become red--a command to undergo tzimtzum.], וחי - and live. (ie. and I will revive/revitalize you)

In short: "Only one who is metzumtzam cane see m; Undergo tzimtzum and live."

This is a Torah that came out of the seudah we had on Rosh Hodesh Av for the sake of the oneness and unity of klal yisrael.

[Note than when speaking of nothingness it isn't necesarily related to the nothingness of other meditational paths (that have nothing to do with Judaism) nothingness in this context (in which I am speaking) is davka the most supreme level of something-ness. Since we are understanding tzimtzum in a way opposite to the concept of 'constricting' or 'minimizing.' Only through tremendous growth and 'opening in order to receive' can you get to this place of tzimtzum.]

a shield from death

I'd be interested to know about any sources that discuss this idea.

During tefillah today, I realized that there's a direct connection between revellation of HaShem and breaking. The most obvious is of course: לא יראני האדם וחי - man will not see me and live. We know that any fall in spiritual level is considered a "death." Literally the passuk can be understood to mean, "Every revellation of HaShem comes with a spiritual fall."

This plays itself out in the Amidah: (aka the Shmoneh Esrei) After the first berachah and the revellation of HaShem's love for us, we immediately say the berachah "who reanimates the dead." (מחיי המתים) Meaning, since we just experienced a revellation of HaShem, we just experienced a death, and now we praise HaShem for giving us further life. Again, after the first three berachoth, the fourth berachah is חונן הדעת - "He graces us with knowledge" (knowledge of HaShem) the next berachah is immediately "Who desires our teshuvah." (הרוצה בתשובה) Teshuvah is when one returns to life from the death of a sin.

Finally, we already know that the midrash says that with each of the dibrot, the commandments, that Bnei Yisrael heard at Har Sinai their souls would leave their bodies--ie. death--and would be returned to them.

If the sources bear out support for this idea, (I hope to get a chance to speak to my Rav, perhaps tomorrow) then it seems, the shattering of the vessels and the original sin were all necesary steps in the revellation of Godliness in the world. They were the requisite "deaths" that allowed the continuation of the revellation of Godliness in the world down to the lowest level.

Note, in this scheme of things, the Torah is unique in that the Torah is a shield to all who involve themselves in it. Torah is the only way to a revellation of divinity that doesn't involve a coincident death.

walking one's path

The Be'er Mayim Chaim (R' Tal Zwecker) brings down a story:

I heard the following Mashal or parable from a Bostoner Chassid in the name of the Bostoner Rebbe of Bet Shemesh Shlit"a:

There were once two gold prospectors who came to dig for gold. They dug on opposite sides of the mountain. One was very quick and he was telling the others to dig here and , while the cries of joy and delight could be heard from over the mountain. The other was very exacting and careful. He cautiously measured and studied the terrain and made careful calculations as to where to dig. All this took some time during which the constant shouts of joy at success were heard from over the mountain, disheartening the men. The prospector finally decided on the correct spot and gave the order to drill and dig.

This continued for some time over the course in which the continuous successes over the mountain were heard while the men on this side kept drilling and digging without any measure of success. Nonetheless the prospector was adamant "Keep drilling", was the order.

Finally after much effort, hard work and exertion when they final hit the "motherload" they discovered that they were much richer and had uncovered a much greater treasure than their fellow men over the mountain with their small constant successes.

The parable is: While Bekiyus study here and there is immediately rewarding, you keep up interest, you learn a good vort here and a nice pshetel there. While constant review of one Mesechta can seem arduious hard and tiring. However if you keep at it eventually you will strike the motherload.

It seems to me that, in all humility and with great respect both to the Bostoner Rebbe and R Zwecker, this parable can be more accurately applied to following and discovering one's own particular derech.

While other people may seem to make more success in their different derachim, in the lives that HaShem has determined for them, we must stick to our own personal derech, the one appropriate to our own life which HaShem has determined for us. If we do this, then we will see, only through time and effort we will strike the motherload.

Otherwise we are liable to get caught up in the appearance of the lives of others, and the "grass is greener" syndrome.

speak your feelings

Here's an article from ScienceBlog about how putting our feelings into words changes the strength of our emotional response.

This explains (on the simplest level) why Chazal in a number of places tell us to say certain psukim in order to respond to certain situations. Situations like a dog barking and threatening, as the gemara mentions, or situations like seeing inappropriate things as mentioned in the Tzeitel HaKatan of Rebbe Elimelech of Lizhensk. [I'm sure there are endless examples but these are two that come readily to mind.]

Personally, when I was overwhelmed emotionally (usually with depression) I found the thing that was most helpful, and that I was most compelled to do, was to create something. Painting and poetry were the best, I found, to channel emotional energy. Afterwards I always felt better, having both created something, and loosed all of that built up emotion; sort of like how crying makes you feel better. The paintings and poetry were my brain sort of crying on its own, I guess.

I also appreciate more how my teenage sister (I've got three so I'm not giving any identities away here) puts all of her emotions out there in poems and stories so often. It's a really healthy way for her to deal with everything it means to be a teen.

purchased praise

Yesterday I wasn't at work, so I caught mincha in a shul not far from my home on Rehov Jabotinsky, there was a Rav there who brought up a cool point upon which both Beit Hillel and Beit Shamai agree:

When someone has purchased (or otherwise acquired) something, there is a responsibility upon you to praise it for its good features rather than deride it (and possibly make him feel bad about his purchase) because of its failings.

[The point actually comes up in their machloket about how you praise a bride on her wedding day, but this is not the place to dissect that machloket.]

Perhaps this is why we need to be so careful about lashon harah, because HaShem acquired Bnei Yisrael for Himself.

flavour of the day: undirected potential

This morning I woke up to a new experience.

Lately over the past year sometimes I will wake up to a day that's unusually full of light (in a spiritual sense) meaning that spiritual endeavors will succeed with ease and its a good day to daven at length and learn in depth.

Occassionally I will wake up to a day that is particularly dark and heavy, I know the whole day will be one big effort just to keep from stumbling, with no thought at all to trying to grow. (A grin and bear it and it will be over kind of day--I'm not on the level to 'turn such days around davka!')

The first few times these days occurred to me, I wasn't aware of what was going on, but I've come to notice when these rare days do come up, and to try to go with the flow of the day.

Today was a novelty in my admittedly limited experience in flavors of special days. Today was a day with a lot of potential, but no inherent leaning towards being a good (or light) day or a (dark or) bad day. It was just a day that was waiting to be really something, and the something depended on what we would bring to it.

So I took the time to pray and learn and I'm trying to keep with it throughout the day. I asked about this and was told by one Rav that it was a day of personal spiritual potential, but with all due respect to the Rav I asked, (and I hold him in the highest regard) it didn't feel like that when I woke up. It felt like a very big day for the klal, for all of Bnei Yisrael.

So the day is up for grabs, bend it and twist it according to your will, hopefully pray and learn a lot and the day will bear special fruit for us all as a nation, as a family.

May every day that greets us be a day of light for Bnei Yisrael.