overcoming distractions

Two sources I happened across during the Omer regarding distracting thoughts during prayer: (Machshavot Zarot)

When is the time in Tefillah to sacrifice oneself [ie.mesirut nefesh] before HaShem? When you have a distracting thought. Through sacrificing oneself you can raise up that thought as an offering to HaShem. [paraphrased ~ Likkutei Moharan I:26]

Each thought is a life, complete in itself. Dispelling a thought rather than raising it up is akin to killing it. How do you tell the difference between those thoughts you can raise up, and those you should push away? If the thought comes along with a feeling of being overcome with one's own smallness, then you can raise it up. If, on the other hand, the thought comes with a feeling of hubris, push it away, as it is said, "one who comes to kill you, kill him first." [paraphrased ~ Notzer Hesed (Avoth) 4:3]

In light of this earlier post: Unidentified flying thoughts, we have two more opinions to round out the mix:

Baal HaTanya - Beinonim have no business in raising up these thoughts, it's only a job for Tzaddikim.

Noam Elimelech - Tzaddikim need to shine the light of their awareness on these thoughts to raise them up.

And for good measure:

Rebbe Nachman's next teaching Likkutei Moharan I:27 also goes into why it is the Tzaddik who is most capable of raising up these thoughts and again in I:30 explains how these thoughts end up at the Tzaddik's proverbial doorstep.

In short, there seems to be a consensus opinion that the best way for our generation to do away with distracting thoughts is to ignore them. So, rather than wasting time trying to figure out why a thought distracted you, get back to whatever it was you were praying for before it distracted you!

This is very good news in an age where (1) there are already too many stimuli in one's daily life pulling at your attention every minute, and (2) we're so very good at ignoring things!

Ps. If you are the kind of person who anyways is going to try and elevate these distracting thoughts, I think Rebbe Nachman's advice is best, bitul and mesirut nefesh. It seems the safest route, and also seems to coincide with what the Komarna Rebbe was saying. In fact, if you read the sources carefully, they're all essentially in agreement about this point.

you may not be what you eat, but what if you are?

In his partial commentary on the Shulchan Aruch, (OH 6:1) the Mishna Berurah,(6) the Hafetz Hayyim quotes what appears to be the Ariz"l, explaining that the miraculous state of man, a combination of spiritual and physical, one of the wonders for which we praise God, is brought about specifically through eating.

"The soul benefits from the spiritual element of the food, and the body benefits from the physical element of the food, and it is through this very mechanism, food, that they are brought together."

That's an amazing revelation. (Here I am trying to learn more halachah, but it's the secrets incidentally revealed in the halachah that speak to me the most)

[Of note: this sounds similar to the Noam Elimelech's comment that the whole purpose of this world is to eat.]

If we reexamine eating from this perspective, it can change our entire world. What we eat affects how, when, and if our souls are bound to our bodies and vice versa. It also tells us that the secret in allowing the soul to reign over the body begins and ends with which food we eat and how we consume it.

Be aware of what you eat and how it affects you; especially how it affects your service of God.

At the very least, be careful about making the appropriate berachot before and after whatever you eat, even that deceptively simple step can be enough to give you a new dimension to your spirituality you never knew existed.

hastening the end

We've all experienced the thrill of planning something new. We've also all experienced waking up the next morning and wondering what happened to all that energy and drive for our new plan. It just vanished overnight, as quickly as it came.

We aren't always 'energized' and when we are, we usually waste it.

The challenge for today and every day hereafter: whenever you have that burst of energy, invest it in something positive immediately. Don't hesitate, certainly don't wait, act on it, in some small sure-fire way.

This is the midah (attribute) of zrizut - haste.

When you suddenly remember something you did that was less than perfect, stop right where you are and confess before HaShem, do immediate Teshuvah. In the past I've written about how this kind of Teshuvah is the highest, because you are in the heat of the moment, you are reliving the sin and embarrassed by it.

When you think that you would like to be more spiritual or work on one aspect of religious observance or another, or honor the memory of a late (grand-) parent, don't put it off and decide you will plan something special. Stop right there, find something to eat/drink and make a berachah. Or give some tzedaka, learn some Torah, all of the above.

When you find yourself well-practiced at this new discipline, you will be thankful to see that you are bringing your desires into action, you will feel more fulfilled. Even more, you will see how this aspect of zrizut pours over into all aspects of your life. You'll turn off the TV when nothing interesting is on, you will catch yourself sitting mindlessly looking at your phone or out the window and utilize this time.

And then the test becomes: don't get irritated at every one else who isn't there yet. But that's a matter for another time.

I'd like to share one short example of how Avraham Avinu (our forefather) exemplified this trait of zrizut.

When God told Avraham to go and sacrifice Yitzhak (Akeidat Yitzhak) his only son, he didn't tell him where to go, but he knew it would take some time to get there, yet the Noam Elimelech points out something weird about Avraham's behavior: He chopped the wood right then and there, even though he would be carrying it for a few days. Reb Elimelech learns from this that when we are burning with the desire to do something, it's important to manifest this desire physically somehow, so that we don't lose the initial desire entirely. Avraham Avinu chopped the wood for the sacrifice right away in order not to lose his precious initial fervor.

It occurred to me that there is a question about the way we relate to the Akeidah, indeed some commentators suggest Avraham (despite what appears to be the literal understanding of the text of the event) did sacrifice Yitzhak. We even see support for it in references to "Yitzhak's ashes." So the question is: "If he wasn't burnt, then where did these ashes come from?"

I have two answers I'd like to share with you, the first is one that I arrived at a long time ago and it still provides an acceptable answer, but the second drives home our current point of zrizut:

(1) In Bereishith we see that man was created through the union of dust and wind/spirit. At the akeidah, the binding of Yitzhak, he divested himself of the dust component and was left in an entirely spiritual state. His dust [ashes] remained on the altar even though he was not sacrificed.

(2) The ashes of Yitzhak are the ashes of the wood that Avraham chopped in the initial moment of holy fervor and devotion in which he was prepared to sacrifice Yitzhak himself. From this we see that the initial spark of holy devotion is tantamount in the eyes of HaShem to the follow through of the act itself. Even though Yitzhak wasn't burnt, the wood that was prepared for the burning of Yitzhak was elevated to a level as holy as Yitzhak himself being offered.

From here we can learn how crucial it is not to lose that initial spark of inspiration, channel it into something concrete and know that you have already completed the greatest part of your goal.

Perhaps this is why our Rabbis teach that all beginnings are difficult. (כל התחלות קשות)

[Those who delve into this teaching will understand the gravity of motzi zera l'vatalah, HaShem Yishmor.]

bringing your shoulders to bear

וישכם אברהם בבוקר - And Abraham arose early in the morning.

The Noam Elimelech explains that there are two kinds of divine Kindness, hidden and revealed. Hidden kindness is referred to as brains or intellect, (מוחין) revealed kindness is referred to as 'shoulders' (שכם) because it sticks out and is a lot more broad.

Avraham, the father of what is today known as Judaism, was all about bringing hidden kindness down to the level of revelation. That's the true meaning of the passage above: boker/morning is another name for 'Kindness' -- Avraham was always involved in bringing boker/Kindness to the level of שכם - shoulders/revelation.

a hundred what?

What is HaShem asking of you today? That's what Mosheh Rabbeinu says. Chazal explain: don't read it "what," (מה) read it, "one hundred." (מאה) One should be careful to make one hundred blessings every day.

The Noam Elimelech then comes along (Likkutei Shoshanah) and explains what it really means: HaShem wants us to reach a level of self-nullification, bitul, referred to as "What?" (as in the passuk ונחנו מה?) But that level is virtually unattainable, so Chazal come along to give us advice on how to attain this level: If you focus on saying one hundred berachot every day from this level of "What?" (just while you say the berachoth,) then from there one can surely reach the true level of "What?"

So the Noam Elimelech takes the abstract teaching and brings it down as a practical lesson in achieving bitul.

the sweetening of redemption

Today (21 Adar) is the (223rd) Yahrtzeit of the Noam Elimelech. (Rebbe Elimelech ben Reb Elazar of Lizhensk) [last year's yahrtzeit post here: the sweetness of elimelech]

Reb 'Meilech said about himself that he would sweeten the hardships of the time of Moshiah. 

The Komarna Rebbe wrote about the sefer Noam Elimelech that it is pure light and no one can truly comprehend it, they can only perceive it relative to their own level.

In honor of his 223rd Yahrtzeit, I wanted to share a little hidush (according to my own muddied level) on the sefer Noam Elimelech.

Reb 'Meilech often repeated the lesson that a Tzaddik, through his prayers, creates a new heaven and a new earth. Now, it occurs to me that there is almost a literal analog in the chumash of this description, creating a new earth and a new heaven: The splitting of the sea by the exodus from egypt. What are the heavens, the firmament that divides the heavenly waters with the earthly waters, well, on that day there was another firmament dividing the waters around the Jewish people. Similarly the earth, aretz, or land, is originally created (in Bereishith) through gathering the water away from and exposing dry land. Once again we see that in the splitting of the sea, new land, a new earth, was created.

Now to really get to the point of my teaching we need to visit two teachings of Chazal: 

(1) In Rabi Meir's (the Tanna who is responsible for much of the mishnah) Sefer Torah, the Talmud teaches, the words "robes of leather" (עור) was written "robes of light." (אור) The Komarna explains that Rabi Meir was on such a level that his flesh was totally transparent to HaShem's light, the true and deepest definition of learning Torah for its own sake (According to the Baal Shem Tov) and so in Rabi Meir's Torah scroll, the ayin was written as an aleph.

(2) The midrash mentions that by the splitting of the sea, HaShem appeared before Bnei Yisrael

as a powerful warrior in the prime of life, (sure enough we see in the song by the sea, Az YaShir, that Mosheh praises HaShem as a "Man of war") and by Har Sinai, HaShem appeared before Bnei Yisrael as an old man with a flowing white beard. 

The point is this:

In the Noam Elimelech (and once more in the appendix 'Likkutei Shoshanah') there appears a seeming reference to this midrash, but instead it is written that HaShem appeared by the splitting of the sea as an old man with a flowing white beard. 

At first I puzzled at this reading and even asked Rav Tal Zwecker (who recently translated the Noam Elimelech into english) for his explanation -- it would seem that the original manuscript abbreviated "Har Sinai" (ה"ס) and the printer misread it as (הים) "the sea." Seems like an honest enough mistake. 

But I would like to be mechadesh (offer a new interpretation) here that in fact, Reb Meilech was on such a level that all of HaShem's harshest judgements were clear to him as truly the sweetest kindness,  and so like Rabi Meir's Torah in which it was written "light" instead of "leather," here too Reb Meilech's sefer recorded only a likeness of Hesed, a kindly old man with a long white beard, by the splitting of the sea, not a man of war.

getting carried away

הארון נושא את נושאיו - The ark would carry those who carried it.
Chazal explain that those who would bear the ark of the covenant were actually carried by it, rather than carrying it.

The Noam Elimelech offers another explanation of how this passuk relates to the Tzaddik:

When a Tzaddik starts on his journey towards HaShem, people speak out against him and cause him great difficulty. He doesn't pay them any heed however and continues pushing forward. These tests from those who challenge him actually propel him along on his way, the Noam Elimelech explains, and quicken his rise to greatness. (Each test in which he remains silent and ignores their taunting allows him tremendous spiritual growth.) When he finally becomes a true Tzaddik, he then returns the favor by awakening them [those who troubled him] to do true teshuvah and in this way, the Tzaddik who is referred to as the holy ark, actually carries those who at first appeared to carry him.

load balancing

HaShem says: "Better they should abandon Me, than forsake My Torah." (as reported in the Talmud)

The Noam Elimelech makes sense of this surprising turn of phrase: A Tzaddik wants nothing more than to be totally negated in the divine presence, totally united with HaShem. Sometimes though, in order to relate to the world, the Tzaddik needs to let go of HaShem, turn away from the blinding light of HaShem's infinite nature, and focus on the world, in order to perform mitzwoth, which are after all HaShem's Will. HaShem's quote is then understood like so: "In order to keep My Torah, [My mitzwoth] they need to turn away from Me [temporarily.]"

down in the money

HaShem seeming far away lately? The Noam Elimelech (Parashath Re'eh) suggests this might be because you've been spending too much time worrying about money. 

Instead he suggests, spend your money on what your soul desires, not what your body desires. Your body naturally desires the fleeting pleasures of this world, whereas your soul cares only about mitzwoth, especially Tzedakah.

Through giving life to your money by spending it towards mitzwoth, you realign your world, and bring yourself closer to HaShem. In this manner you can even reach the level of the greatest Tzaddikim, the Noam Elimelech confides.

something new: something borrowed

In Judaism, a central (if not the central) tenet of our faith is to make other people's needs as important to us, as our own needs. This is perhaps also the most challenging of all the demands placed on a Jew. Fear not, the is a silver lining: The Noam Elimelech explains (Parashath Re'eh) that we can actually use this effect in reverse in order to help us overcome our yetzer hara. 

Normally a person is beset by many natural tendencies, or animalistic desires. A Jew is expected to channel and master these desires until he rules them, rather than the default in which they rule him. One trick we have in this near-insurmountable challenge is that we can convince ourselves that our needs are not our own, but are external to us, borrowed perhaps from someone else. Since the yetzer hara (evil urge) encourages us to be selfish and unconcerned with the needs of others, if we convince ourselves that our own needs are "borrowed" from others, then naturally we will disdain them.

This seems very weird and unnatural, not to mention ridiculous, to think of our needs as someone else's needs. But, there is a kernel of truth there, in that these desires for worldly pleasure don't actually originate with the person, but rather with his/her yetzer hara. 

Once we have worked on ourselves and have begun to conquer this stage, the Noam Elimelech's advice really starts to pay off. Since our own needs are as devalued as the needs of others, the work to make the needs of others more important, if not as important as our own personal needs becomes a lot easier. Instead of fighting an uphill battle we've now leveled the playing field.

The question, to me, becomes why did the Noam Elimelech choose to bring out this teaching from passukim related to ma'aser and bikkurim. (both of which are offerings brought to HaShem from the blessings He has bestowed upon us.) Perhaps it is because when we recognize that everything we've received is from HaShem, and not ours to begin with, we can apply this lesson not only to the positive things we've recieved but also the negative ones, like the yetzer hara, for example. After all, everything is from HaShem.

borrowed vessels

There's an idea, sort of a visual, that I've held for some time and it basically illustrates the point of our avodah. It explains why and how our actions in this world directly reflect our reward in the world to come.

Picture this, the sum total of your being is an empty vessel. It's a very crude empty vessel. What's it supposed to hold? Compressed light. Light, infinite light, under unimaginable pressure such that it will be contained within this now-empty vessel. The problem is this: You, the crude vessel, are riddled with imperfections. There's no way you could possibly survive the pressure of being filled. Before we can get to the purpose of the vessel, being filled, containing something, we need to perfect and complete this crude vessel.

That's this life, this world, perfecting the vessel. The world to come is what happens when the vessel is filled, or fulfilled. In our daily lives, with each mitzwah we seek out, we are hunting down those imperfections in the vessel and polishing them with the intense heat of Ahavat HaShem and Yirat Shamayim. Every now and then, the more the vessel is perfected, it is tested with the most minute amounts of light. Filled ever so slightly, so that the stresses on the vessel will reveal even more subtle imperfections. This is life, the revelations of Godliness, and the challenges of our daily toil, all to become a master craftsman, in hebrew that's an אומן, and complete the vessel. (I believe it was the Pri Ha'aretz that points out that Emunah shares the same root as Oman, a craftsman, because Emunah is something we perfect through constant effort.) 

Today I came across the Noam Elimelech (Parashath Ekev) who fleshed out and sourced the idea nicely. He said that our Ahavah and Yirah coupled with our mitzwoth are what make the vessel a proper vessel. Then, just as when someone comes to you and asks you to borrow some oil or wine, they bring with them a vessel to carry the oil or wine back, in the very same way, we bring HaShem this vessel, and He fills it with His light and returns the vessel to us. This is the meaning of the verse מה ה' אלוקך שואל מעימך?  - What does HaShem your lord [borrow] from you? HaShem 'borrows' the vessel from you, fills it with His light, and returns it.

filling empty voids

The Noam Elimelech teaches (Parashath Ekev) that there are two components to the performance of the mitzwoth. The first is the action, the physical performance of the mitzwah. The second is the thought involved. The thought is inherently a recognition of anavah, humility.

Humility, he explains, is referred to as 'ekev' which hints at lowliness for it is the hebrew word for the heel, but ekev also hints at constancy. Humility is a constant avodah, we need to focus on and be aware of our humility and take strides to strengthen it at all times. It must pervade our every act.

This is in keeping with Rebbe Natan's teachings in Likkutei Halachoth about how we must connect each of our limbs to the humility and emunah of Mosheh Rabbeinu, in order that we may completely receive the Torah. (mentioned previously in 'bread of humility')

This past Shabbath, the seventh day of Pesah, I explained among other things an understanding about the word Har - mountain. We see that often Har is associated with negative connotations. (Tehillim: I look to the mountains, from whence will come my aid?; Talmud: Tzaddikim see that their yetzer hara was like a great mountain.) Yet we also see that Har Sinai is where the Torah was given, just as Har HaMoriah is called Har HaTov - the good mountain, by Mosheh Rabbeinu.

How can we understand this discrepancy? It seems to my limited understanding that the word Har represents something that is full. The fullness can either be from Kedushah, or Heaven forebid the opposite. If we don't fill a vaccum with Kedushah, the other is inevitable.

Which begs the question, how do we ensure we are full of Kedushah? The midrash explains that Har Sinai was the place where we received the Torah because of its great Humility. Similarly we know that Mosheh Rabbeinu merited to receive the Torah because he was exceedingly humble. The midrash Otiot d'Rabbi Akiva teaches that the letter Aleph, was chosen to begin the ten commandments because it didn't complain when the Torah was begun with a Bet. So we see that all the elements of matan Torah, were exemplary in their humility.

So too, the Noam Elimelech is teaching us, if we want HaShem to be present and take part in our mitzwoth, then our humility must be at the forefront of all our actions. This, I believe, is the essence of the teaching of the Baal Shem Tov (which we first mentioned in 'helping us (all) along') that the performance of the mitzwoth is beyond us and it is only out of the great kindness of HaShem that he gives us the ability to complete the mitzwoth, doing all the heavy lifting (as it were) himself.

In fact, the Noam Elimelech goes on to explain that in exchange for our performance of the mitzwoth through action AND humility, HaShem gives us also two things: the ability to perform the mitzwoth, (Something we have a better understanding and appreciation of thanks to what we just addressed) and goodness in this life. (It is known that the reward for mitzwoth is only in the next world, but out of love for our performance of mitzwoth HaShem (in His infinite Kindness) gives us kindness in this world.)

the rumblings of future triumph

When Mosheh Rabbeinu recalls HaShem's commands regarding entering the Holy Land, he speaks of the nations Amon and Moav as well as Edom. In the discussion he states some points that seem important only as historical trivia. Details like which nation dwelled in the land before Amon, Moav, or Edom inherited them, and what their various names were.

The Noam Elimelech says that the Torah is the furthest thing from a history lesson, and so these passages carry within them deep lessons. What kind of lessons? Mosheh Rabbeinu is showing us how to overcome our enemies. Even enemies such as Amon and Moav who had a connection with and the protection of Avraham Avinu, as well as Edom, who had the merit of the honor he showed his father Yitzhak Avinu. Because of their merits, we weren't permitted to war with them, so Mosheh Rabbeinu, in recounting their histories, tied them to the Sarim (the angelic rulers) of the nations they had defeated. In doing so, he uprooted their merits and opened the door to their ultimate destruction. Just as the Sarim had been defeated, so too would those who were tied to them be defeated.

This is a valuable lesson for us to understand the infinitely subtle and farsighted True Kindness of HaShem that is the driving force behind all of history. Our enemies today take on a name for themselves, not just any name, but the name of the nation who once inhabited our land. We don't have Mosheh Rabbeinu nowadays to tie our enemies to the fallen Sarim, so HaShem allows history to play out in such a way that it is done for us.

Just as the Plishtim, the Philistines fell before HaShem's first born, Yisrael, so too God-willing will the Palestinians (who chose to tie themselves to the name of a long dead idolatrous people, rather than to the merits of Yishmael) fall before HaShem's first born, Yisrael. Right now it seems like their name is a source of strength (a flag behind which many people may unite and gain recognition) but the time is approaching when it will become their undoing.

Speedily and in our days. Amen. Netzah. Selah. va'Ed.

[this is post #702 on this blog, gematria Shabbath שבת - may this post be an indication of the endless Shabbat to come, and may we all merit to experience it in HaShem's infinite mercy in our immediate future.]

prayers cleaving to prayers

We recently mentioned Rebbe Natan's explanation and understanding of the verse תפילה לעני כי יעטוף - "a prayer for the pauper when he will wrap.." He explained that prayer from the place of utter lack encompasses in its earnest simplicity all the prayers of others and brings them before HaShem.

The Noam Elimelech (Parashath Balak, i believe) explains it a little differently: He says that there are those people who are not on the level to have proper intentions, proper Kavanoth, while praying. In this case their Tefillah is like a body with no soul. Similarly they perform their mitzwoth as well, without lofty intentions, and so they too are compared to a soulless body.

The Tzaddik then, through his prayer, invests the body of other people's mitzwoth with a soul -- even their tefilloth, through his deep kavanoth. In this way, the prayer of the kavanah-poor person clothes and garbs the kavanoth of the Tzaddik's prayer. This is what is meant that the poor person's prayer will wrap [the Tzaddik's prayer.]

the judgement of the tzaddik is mercy

The Midrash speaks about how HaShem chose to create the world with Din, might and judgement, but saw that it couldn't stand so He partnered Rachamim, mercy, with it.

Many Hassidic Rebbes tackled the apparent change in HaShem's thought process, as if the Rabbis (chas v'shalom) were saying HaShem made a mistake. Of course He doesn't make mistakes, He's beyond time and infallible, so the concept of a mistake makes no sense in the context of HaShem. So what's the Midrash coming to teach us?

The Noam Elimelech has a unique take on this: He explains that there was no change, that the world still functions according to Din. But in order that the world would be able to exist, the Tzaddikim emerge in great Gevurah, great might, ascend to the root of all Din, and overcome and master the Judgement. Essentially the whole system works based on Gevurah or Din. Rachamim is the term for the victory of the Tzaddikim's Holy Gevurah over the natural Din HaShem bestowed within the system. This, he explains, is why the word 'partnered' (שתף) is used in the midrash as opposed to another word. HaShem allows the Tzaddikim through their great Holiness and desire to become partners in sustaining the world.

perhaps you could call it mercy killing

The Noam Elimelech (end of Parashath Hukat) explains the statement in the Talmud about cleaving to HaShem. How do we cleave to Him? By cleaving to His Attributes, He is Merciful, you too be merciful.

You must act with great mercy towards yourself, just as He acts with great Mercy towards you. What should you do? You should devote yourself, body and soul utterly, to performing the mitzwoth, to learning the Torah, all for the sake of HaShem; in this way you bring yourself life (in this world and the next) as Chazal taught: "What shall a person do and live? Kill himself" [ie. negate himself in the service of HaShem that he should have life in the world of truth]

actions that speak louder than words

Sometimes we limit ourselves simply by virtue of the fact that we don't believe enough. This is a basic lesson from Rebbe Nachman in his story the Sophisticate and the Simpleton. In our rush to be smart, we begin to doubt everything.

The Baal HaTanya, in tomorrow's Tanya explains that when we simply contemplate the reality of HaShem's presence and truly believe and know that He permeates everything and all is negligable in reference to Him, we can arrive at unparalleled levels of joy. This he says, being aware of HaShem, is the underlying mitzwah in all other mitzwoth, as Chabakuk revealed. (צדיק באמונתו יחיה)

The Noam Elimelech (Parashath Balak) explains that a Tzaddik has the ability to perform miracles and bring down phenomenal blessings through his sheer cleaving to HaShem, just by speaking, anything is possible. What's the limit on the Tzaddik's ability? He can only affect those who put their trust and belief in him. In order to affect those who don't believe, he must take some physical action in order to perform wonders. This is how he explains Mosheh Rabbeinu hitting the rock: He says that Tzaddikim think only about the wellfare of the nation, even to the end that they will (on occasion) condemn themselves to gehenom in order to bring divine mercies down for Bnei Yisrael. Mosheh thought if he simply spoke to the rock that any members of Bnei Yisrael who had any doubts about him wouldn't be part of the miracle, and so through performing a physical action, he hit the rock, he brought out many waters, enough for even the most distant. Clearly, the Noam Elimelech adds, HaShem agreed with him because the miracle ocurred.

So, important life lesson, emunah in HaShem and His tzaddikim will save you a lot of hardship when you may otherwise be needlessly limiting yourself. In this way we open ourselves to divine intervention and holy miracles.

the daily one hundred

I only just realized this morning that the essence of our tefillah, the central focus of our energies three times every day (and four or more times on chagim) during prayer is a collection of 18 (19) blessings.

I always related to the Amidah (aka. Shemoneh Esrei) as a unit. It was only this morning that I realized it is essentially 18 (19) unique blessings that Chazal lumped together intentionally.

This made me rethink the whole idea of a berachah. With some siyata d'shmaya, today before tefilla I happened to learn the three halachoth in Yalkut Yosef - kitzur Shulchan Aruch on the kavanah of berachoth. It made me realize that the essence of berachoth is the essence of tefillah. Every time we get to say a berachah it is an oppurtunity to tefillah and everything it entails.

Here are a few short details about berachoth that have accumulated in the attic of my head over the years:

1. a berachah literally entails a desire to draw HaShem into the world, make Him (figuratively) more imminent.
2. a berachah regarding some benefit (hana'ah) involves delaying our gratification (for the time we take to make the blessing) as a means of becoming holier through overriding our desires, even temporarily. (Rav Steinsaltz pointed this out to me.)
3. we are careful to make one hundred blessings every day. (attributed to David haMelech in the Talmud)
4. It is important not to say a berachah when there is no need. (since one mentions HaShem's name, which requires the appropriate honor and respect.)
   
5. It is important not to swallow or skip any letters or words of a berachah.

Two insights from the Noam Elimelech related to berachoth that I learned recently:
(1) Each berachah comes from and relates to a specific world, but the answering of amen after a berachah spans all the worlds. (He goes into a complex explanation of when we answer amen after our own berachah, namely when our berachah spans more than one world, otherwise one doesn't answer amen to his own berachah, unless he is the Tzaddik of the generation in which case all his berachoth span all the worlds.)

(2) The only berachah of Bilam's that persisted (kiyyum/kayyam) was the berachah of mah tovu, the reason according to the Noam Elimelech is because it was the only berachah that Bilam made with complete intent, ie. without any desire to curse Bnei Yisrael. The other berachoth were attempts at cursing Bnei Yisrael that HaShem altered and turned into berachoth. From this perhaps we can see that when a blessing is made with proper intent, HaShem gives His ok, His Amen, and it is a berachah that persists and takes on a life of its own.

the sweetness of elimelech

Today is the Yahrtzeit of the Noam Elimelech. I practically live by the following quote:

Rebbe Elimelech himself is quoted as saying “It is a wonder that the Rabbis saw through divine inspiration that the final generations would suffer so terribly and didn’t they know that Elimelech would come and nullify and sweeten the harsh decrees?” (Nesiv Mitzvosecha Emunah 4:8 also in Eser TzachTzachos #35)
[from http://www.613.org/noam/introduction.htm]

No matter what people tell me about the awful things that seem about to befall (has v'shalom) the world and/or the children of Israel, I have never once felt that such was the truth. Every single indication I've ever received from HaShem in prayer or dream has always been about His love and compassion for us. Perhaps it is this quote from Reb Elimelech that explains it all.

don't mind the mess

The closer you come to HaShem in holiness, the further HaShem moves away from you. In this manner HaShem always pushes you to grow in devotion and make apparent your desire of His closeness. This is the secret of the Parah Adumah, the Red Heiffer, according to the Noam Elimelech (parashath Hukkath) that it makes those who are pure, impure. Meaning that it makes those who have achieved a certain level of purity, recognize just how impure they still are.

He marks this transition in the words פרה and אפר, the Parah, the Red Heiffer inspires us to Teshuvah, (symbolized by the ה) at which point we draw closer to HaShem's holiness, (symbolized by the א) and must acknowledge our own insignificance in the face of this, that we are like ashes, אפר. Just as we take the Red Heiffer and burn it into ash.

We see here two sort of contradictory images, one, we must learn to push with more and more effort, always seeking to grow and rise higher. At the same time, we must recognize our smallness and become like nothing.

This reminds me of a teaching of Rebbe Nachman that sometimes it seems as though our sins have returned to challenge us anew, even after we were sure we had overcome them. He explains that in fact these are new challenges clothed in the old clothes of previous challenges. So even as we climb sometimes it seems as if we have fallen.

Similarly he teaches (in yet another torah) that as we raise to newer levels we are pushed to the external aspect of newer and higher worlds which result in an apparent fall even though in truth we are always rising.

Likewise we find in the Pri Ha'aretz that the secret of ratz (running) and shav (returning) is that even the shav is actually an act of ratz.

What do we take away from all this? the only thing we really can: Pursue HaShem with everything you have and then pursue Him some more. The one catch that we learn here is, we have to keep putting in effort no matter whether we see any results (ever) because sometimes what looks like a backslide is just an invitation from HaShem for us to take another step closer.

If we want a good analog, perhaps we can look to relationships, we dread being in a conflict in our personal relationships, but when it happens and we successfully prove our love and devotion despite the temporary obstacles, the relationship is richer and closer than it was before.

Sometimes, when I'm particulary low, I rest my burden on Rebbe Nachman or the Baal Shem Tov, relying on them that everything that happened was meant to, and I only need to worry about moving forward, not cleaning up the messes I've made until now. Then, later, if and when I have renewed strength, I return to the massive task of cleaning up my act.

From here I can learn something even stronger, instead of just ignoring the mess, I now have a tool to use the mess to strengthen my resolve. This Torah basically teaches us that when things look bad, we can turn it on its head and see it as a sign that HaShem wants us all the more. Which can be a real comfort if we've learned to suspend that part of ourselves that always likes to raise doubts. (by the way that part of ourselves is the Amalek we are commanded to erase. ספק (doubt) = gematria 240 = עמלק)