being better without being better than

Even in the days of the temple, the mitzwah of Parah Adumah, the Red Heiffer, was rarely performed. So what can this rare and eccentric mitzwah teach about our daily service of HaShem?

The Baal Shem Tov (Parashath Hukkath) explains that the mitzwah of Parah Adumah is rooted in hubris. In order for a person to begin his journey towards truly serving HaShem s/he must start by pursuing Torah and Mitzwoth for secondary reasons, reward, prestige, or the like. This is the hubris, that a person who is so powerless and insignificant could be doing 'favors' for HaShem who is boundless and all-powerful, such that they should be deserving of any reward. Later, when one is well on his or her way to serving HaShem we need to flee from any hubris which might taint our true and earnest service of HaShem for its own sake. This is the nature of the Hubris, like the nature of the Parah Adumah that it purifies the impure, those far from HaShem, and causes those who are pure and close to HaShem to become impure.

Similarly in our daily mitzwah practice, the Baal Shem Tov, goes on to explain, we must overcome the initial resistance of the evil urge in order to perform a mitzwah. The Yetzer Hara says: "You aren't worthy to perform such a lofty mitzwah." You must reply with hubris and assert your worthiness, and undertake to do the mitzwah anyway. Once you are involved in the mitzwah, (and this is the key point) any hubris will taint that mitzwah. We must be careful lest we think that our mitzwah makes us better than those not involved in the mitzwah.

It's clear to see how easy it is to mess up a perfectly incredible mitzwah by letting it go to our heads -- but if we didn't have a little ego when we started, we would never have taken the first step. What was impure becomes pure, and what is pure can easily become impure, through the very same mechanism.

That's the root of the Parah Adumah in every mitzwah.

mouthing out His words

The Ohr HaHayyim, R' Hayyim ibn Atar, says that [in parashath Ha'azinu] HaShem referred to the written Torah as 'my lesson' (לקחי) and to the oral Torah as 'my sayings.' (אמרתי)

That's amazing!! One normally thinks the 'oral Torah' (תורה שבעל פה) refers to the speech or interpretation of the Rabbis, when here the Ohr HaHayyim is telling us no! HaShem counts the oral Torah as Torah spoken from His Own mouth.

This bolsters the teaching that every word of Torah we speak is tantamount to all of the mitzwoth combined, as taught by Chazal.

coming of age

A Jewish child is born with the impression of a Godly soul, they only inherit an actual Godly soul when they reach the age of mitzwoth, bar/bat mitzwah.

This is how I explained it to a group of Bar Mitzwah boys:

If your dad gave you a shiny new sports car, you wouldn't hesitate, you'd jump in and go for a spin, let it loose, see what that car could really do.

Your new Godly soul will take you anywhere you want to go (in any world!!) much faster than the fastest planes or rockets ever invented. Jump in and see.

טעמו וראו כי טוב השם - taste and see that HaShem is good.

things I should say to my boss

I would love to make this deadline, but I've got much more important things to do.

In less than three weeks I have to stand before the Creator of all that is and justify my existence. He's the one who is paying the bills, He writes the checks. If I don't satisfy Him, I won't be able to make ends meet. On the other hand, if He's happy with me, I'm on easy street. You could fire me, and I wouldn't even notice.

I have to start working on myself.

Sounds ridiculous to you?

Sounds ridiculous to me too.. that's my problem.

In eighteen days I have to stand before the King of Kings, and I'm affraid I'll just be standing in synagogue, almost completely unaware of my current situation.

Can you imagine, being judged by the King and being so oblivious as to not know what is going on?

What chance do I have if I can't speak in my own defense? I'll be like someone showing up to court drunk.

Thank God He's merciful and graceful, exceedingly patient, infinitely kind and truthful, looks out for the good of all, overlooks transgression, crime, and sin and cleanses all.*

I'm only going to get off because He'll let me off; but shouldn't I at least put in the effort?

Wouldn't it be nice if I could be present for my judgement, maybe thank HaShem profusely for his infinite mercies?

Anyways, that's the way the conversation should go. But of course I won't say it. Year after year, this is what we go through, and we don't say these things, we don't take a month off to prepare (which by the way is the whole purpose of this month of Elul) to take stock, and to get to know God in a personal way. In the month of Elul we say the King is in the field -- He's around, get to know Him, so that when He sits on His lofty throne come Rosh HaShanah, we'll have a clue who it is we're standing before.

He's also our father, so we know even if He doesn't go easy on us, it's all for our own good. But Still. There are babies, who are all but unaware of the existence of their parents, and then there are children who know and recognize their parents, who take great pleasure in the attention afforded them, who want nothing more than to show off a new project or bring home a pleasing report card.

There are even young adults whose successes in the real world are even more precious in their parents' eyes.

And then there are those children who have grown, and wed, and birthed, and brought home grandchildren for their parents' pleasure.

Our mitzwoth are referred to as our children. When we do mitzwoth, real mitzwoth, the kind of mitzwoth that we meant to do, that we rushed to do, that we were overbrimming with joy to do, these mitzwoth are as alive as children. They have a body (the action) and a soul. (the intent)

When we come before HaShem in eighteen days, we don't (really) have to be worried whether or not we will get a favorable judge or a merciful jury, but what if Rosh HaShanah could be like bringing your kids home for a visit with their Grandfather??

That's what it really means to be inscribed in the book of life.

* this is my own translation of the 13 attributes of mercy

heads or tails, evil loses

The goal of the klipah (the dark side) is to cause Israel suffering. The source of all the other side's power are the Holy sparks that fell and were trapped there.

The trick is, the Klipah elevates these Holy sparks to its 'head,' where they have the most influence and garner the most ability to stir up trouble for the Jews.

It happens to be that the head of the Klipah abuts the heels of Holiness, making it exceedingly easy to elevate those holy sparks just a little bit higher and back into the feet of Holiness, robbing the dark side of its power altogether.

(Mitzwah 22 & 23 Otzar HaHayyim - Komarna)

We see that God created the world in such a way that all the heavy lifting is done by the system, our job is just the finishing touches at every stage.

(The Baal Shem Tov says mitzwoth really almost perform themselves, without any help from us; May it be God's will that this teaching will help us to perform mitzwoth with simplicity and sincerity.)

[The Komarna brings this teaching to illuminate the mitzwah of redeeming your firstborn donkey. He doesn't say it outright, but it seems like he is equating the firsborn donkey (donkey in hebrew חמור shares a root with חומר matter, corporeality) with the 'head' of the klipah. Instead he explains how the redemption of the firstborn donkey teaches us about how to deal with 'foreign' or 'strange' thoughts. (Machshavot zarot are a complete topic in themselves, the translation does them no justice and we will address them God willing another time.) Tzaddikim raise them up through 'redeeming' (פדיה) them, while everyone else needs to behead (עריפה) them through repeatedly striking them. If you spend thought on this you will find a number of deep connections.]

the real pursuit of happiness

The Ohr HaHayyim in his opening commentary on the weekly parashah, Ekev, mentions that Chazal say one shouldn't be happy until he has performed all of the mitzwoth.

That's a tall order, and being that I'm so steeped in Hassidut (whose overarching principle is to always be happy) I feel compelled to offer a couple of explanations of the discrepancy:

1. When one is involved in a mitzwah, one is (temporarily) not required to perform other mitzwoth. Perhaps the deeper reason behind this system is that as we know of the world, everything is connected to everything else. So, as long as you are involved in a mitzwah, then you can be happy because the performance of any mitzwah has an aspect of fulfilling all mitzwoth.
2. The Ohr HaHayyim goes on to say that Chazal say one must be happy in order to pray. Since an aspect of Hassidut is to be in a constant conversation with God, so the everpresent nature of this prayer necesitates an everpresent happiness. Perhaps it is for this reason that it is said, "it's a very big mitzwah to be happy always."

Either way, there is still a real need to learn and perform all of the mitzwoth which HaShem commanded us. Each one is a priceless treasure and the deepest means available with which to bind oneself to the Life of All Worlds, blessed be He.

brand spanking new

When a baby comes into the world, there are two things (and only two things) it needs to work on. Only after it has mastered these two can it really move on to the rest of life. What are the two things? (1) eating its food, and (2) excreting its waste. 

If you watch a newborn, you will see just how much effort they expend performing these two apparently simple tasks.

What I only realized recently is that in a broad sense we can be (and generally are, for most of our lives) spiritual newborns. Spiritually speaking our souls alternate between performing holy deeds like mitzwoth, hesed, prayer or learning, and removing the waste and damage done through less than spiritual endeavors, through teshuvah. 

It's not really such a long jump to relate mitzwot (and everything else we categorized along with them) as 'eating' because we know that in Gan Eden, the souls are clothed in the mitzwoth they performed in their lifetime; just as the food we eat becomes the flesh our souls wear in this world. Along the same lines, the connection between the expulsion of waste from the body and the expulsion of waste from the soul (teshuvah) is apparent.

The really interesting question for all of us to think about is: Newborns grow up, and move beyond eating and excreting to many far more interesting goals; what comes next spiritually?

Yes, just as these two basic functions (eating and excreting) still play a real role in our day to day adult existence, our spiritual lives will forever revolve around mitzwoth and teshuvah, but the spaces in between is where all the real depth takes place, where relationships are built, and life is given meaning.

I believe that HaShem put all the deepest secrets of life (the universe and everything) right in front of us. If we really stop and think about life and living, growth and growing, we'll see just how far our souls can grow.

don't leave me

Yom Kippur of this year I left Neila with a single thought: "HaShem, don't leave me," Don't let me be alone, I need You with me.

It's been 5 months to the day and still that thought resonates through much of my prayers.

This morning in the daily Tanya (beginning of ch. 23) I saw a very appropriate answer:

ועל כן גם אברי גוף האדם המקיימים המצוה, שכח ובחינת המעשה של נפש האלקית מלובש בהם בשעת מעשה וקיום המצוה, הם נעשו מרכבה ממש לרצון העליון

In this way, those organs of the human body which perform the mitzvah — i.e., those organs in which the divine soul’s faculty of action is clothed during the performance and fulfillment of the mitzvah — they, too, become a veritable vehicle (lit., merkavah — a “chariot”) for the Divine Will.

Basically, if I don't want HaShem to leave me, I should always involve myself with mitzwoth. As long as I'm involved in mitzwoth, then my body and soul are nullified to HaShem's Will and He 'dwells' within me.

load balancing

HaShem says: "Better they should abandon Me, than forsake My Torah." (as reported in the Talmud)

The Noam Elimelech makes sense of this surprising turn of phrase: A Tzaddik wants nothing more than to be totally negated in the divine presence, totally united with HaShem. Sometimes though, in order to relate to the world, the Tzaddik needs to let go of HaShem, turn away from the blinding light of HaShem's infinite nature, and focus on the world, in order to perform mitzwoth, which are after all HaShem's Will. HaShem's quote is then understood like so: "In order to keep My Torah, [My mitzwoth] they need to turn away from Me [temporarily.]"

spare no expense

Sometimes we go to do a mitzwah, and in the process a number of aggravations arise in the process. In the end we might be tempted to say, "It wasn't worth it. It would have been better if I hadn't bothered." Heaven Forbid!

Sometimes, when we do a particularly powerful mitzwah (even if it seems like a plain simple mitzwah to us)  two things happen: (1) HaShem makes it a little bit harder for us to perform the mitzwah, which makes the mitzwah that much sweeter when we do it anyway; and (2) the Yetzer Hara (the evil urge) makes the performance of the mitzwah extra bitter in the hope that we will regret ever doing the mitzwah. If we regret performing a mitzwah (has v'shalom) it might be taken as if we never did it at all -- just as voicing our regret for an aveirah (a sin) is the essence of teshuvah and erases the deed itself.

Armed with this knowledge, it is important to note than when we set out to do a mitzwah and encounter an obstacle, we must gather additional determination and press onward. And when we feel remorse about the cost (emotional, physical and even monetary) of the mitzwah, it's time to thank HaShem for giving us such an obviously precious mitzwah. If it weren't so precious, the Yetzer Hara wouldn't be trying to undo the mitzwah even after its completion.

into the darkness

Most people have a natural fear of darkness.

This grows to encompass any and all unknowns, that's what darkness inherently is. 

Hannukah is about illuminating the darkness. Yavan, the Greek empire, was called "darkness" by Chazal. Their persecution was an attempt to extinguish the light of Torah in the world and replace it with their own empty or dark culture.

But, Matityahu and his children plunged into the darkness clinging to the light of Torah, and as we are taught in Hassidut, a small amount of light illuminates a far greater darkness.

The novelty of this idea, the idea of Hannukah where rather than fearing the darkness we confront it head on, even seek it out, was adopted as the banner of Hassidut. This is why Hassidim (especially Chabad) refer to this time of year as the Rosh HaShanah of Hassidut. The Chabad Hassidim celebrated with a great feast the same day their Rebbe was taken into Russian custody. What did they celebrate? His eventual release, his certain conquest over the darkness. On the 19th of Kislev they celebrated an even greater celebration when the Rebbe was released.

So too, in Hassidut, we take great joy in the approach of Hannukah, even in the depth of the darkness that always comes before it. But this joy cannot even be compared to the celebration of the arrival of Hannukah.

To learn a little bit more about darkness and light, we can look at the daily cycle. As the sun passes noon and begins to fall, we already know that night is imminent, it's coming no matter what. When night falls it gets darker and darker until in the depths of the darkness, midnight, we know even if we cannot see it that the night has already begun its approach to morning. At the very moment of midnight, there is a Jewish custom to awaken and mourn the destruction of the Holy Temple.  The end of the text which is read at Tikkun Hatzot, as the custom is called, takes heart at the promised return of the Temple in the end of days.

Hannukah, as we mentioned in the past, (and as discussed in the Bnei Yissachar) represents the same time of Tikkun Hatzot in the yearly cycle. At the darkest point of the year, as the year begins to head in the inevitable direction of summer, yet the light of summer is still invisible, at that very time, we light the Hannukah candles in comemoration both of the desecration of the Holy Temple, and our triumph over the forces of darkness which led to the Holy Temple's re-dedication.

Today is the day before Hannukah, where the world is at its darkest. Today we need to rejoice with great and redoubled faith, for just as we know with absolute certainty that tonight the illumination of Hannukah will shine out on the world, so too, we know that HaShem will redeem His people from the darkness of this extended exile.

Hassidut and Hannukah unite together to teach us that in our day and age, a time that parallels the second to last plague of the 10 plagues that befell Egypt, that of Darkness, we need to head feerlessly into the belly of the darkness and therein draw down the light of Torah, illuminating the whole world with utter faith. 

[It is an interesting aside to note that after the plague of darkness, the Jews approached their Egyptian neighbors to borrow vessels with which to serve HaShem in the desert. The Torah says that the Jews found favor (חן) in the eyes of the Egyptians, the very same letters that are at the root of the word חנוכה - Hannukah.]

Abba!!!

I have been lost in the very deep Torah of Tikkunei Zohar this Elul, so I've had a hard time bringing it down to levels I can comprehend let alone share.

I guess I can see the littlest of what the Komarna Rebbe meant when he said he didn't write a peirush on Tikkunei Zohar because it was too dense.

Not long ago, in the daily Tanya, Rebbe Shneur Zalman explained how a father can only give over a lesson to his son if he first refines his ideas to a very basic level, one which will be palatable to his son's lesser intellect. Secondly, the excitement/desire/love with which the father gives over the lesson to his son has a tremendous impact on how well the son can receive and retain the lesson.

In Elul and on Rosh HaShanah especially, we need to recognize how much HaShem truly loves us that he created this whole world, everything in existence, as a means to make his infinite kindness palatable to our limited selves.

Not only did he bring down the infinity of Torah to a level of ink scrawled on parchment, but He loves us so much that he gave us the Torah as well as six hundred and thirteen mitzwoth with which we may bind ourselves to Him.

When we sin, when we violate part or one of those six hundred and thirteen mitzwoth, it isn't that we are doing something wrong, that we're behaving badly. It is that we are limiting ourselves beyond even our nature. HaShem has come all the way down to earth to be with us, to look us in the eye, and we are unwittingly closing those eyes.

In our generation we no longer know what it means to sin intentionally. To sin intentionally you need to know what you are missing out on. Do we really know? No.

The Komarna Rebbe quotes the Arizal who explains to Rav Hayyim Vital, that we are beings so thoroughly mired in physicality that we can't possibly reach a lofty level, yet every mitzwah we do is all the more precious because of that. The Komarna Rebbe goes on to say that if the Arizal was explaining this about the time in which he lived, how much the moreso nowadays? In fact, the Rebbe goes on, I testify that in our day and age, every Jew, and especially all Bnei Ashkenaz are considered tinok she'nishba, an innocent child who knows nothing and cannot be held accountable for his sins. (Netiv Mitzwotecha, Netiv Emunah:6:10)

HaShem loves us so much. We love Him too. The goal of every mitzwah you do from now till Rosh HaShanah is to open your heart and feel that love, both Him for us and we for Him.

Abba!!!

a holy remnant

Tikkunei Zohar (Tikkun 16) brings down something from the Midrash, that Rashi apparently quotes in his commentary on Bereishith: Man is the Challah of the world.

There is a mitzwah, whenever one makes dough, to take a portion of the dough and devote it to God. Were there a Beit HaMikdash at present, this dough would be given to the Kohanim, in our days we burn it till it is inedible so that no one else will benefit inappropriately from this Holy dough.

The Rabbis teach that Man's creation was HaShem separating Challah from the world. The earth and the water were mixed into a dough, and from that dough, Challah was taken, and into that Challah, HaShem blew a divine soul.

We are a portion of the world, set aside in Holiness by HaShem, since the time of its creation.

more and then some: service for two

There's a subtle change in the Shema between the beginning of the first perek and the beginning of the second perek. In the first perek we are told to love HaShem with all of our heart, soul, and more. In the second perek we are told to love HaShem and to serve Him with all of our heart and soul.

What happened to the 'more,' and why do we have to love Him to serve Him?

I was given a glimpse into two important Jewish ideas today that I think help to answer this question:

The first is that when we get used to ignoring a particular halachah or mitzwah, we become blinded to the importance of that halachah or mitzwah.

The second is that we are instructed in the Talmud that everything is in the hands of Heaven, except the fear of Heaven.

Let's think about these two things, the first means that while we may be aware of many many mitzwoth or halachoth, if we don't actively practice them in our lives, they become dull and meaningless, one-dimensional. Just like an undeveloped character in a novel or a movie, we lose interest and they simply fade into the scenery. Knowing about the mitzwoth and halachoth isn't enough. The purpose of all the 613 mitzwoth, and near-infinite halachoth is to cleave to HaShem. Each one is another channel, another dimension, another medium in the expression of our unique relationship with HaShem. Ignoring a mitzwah is kind of like never touching your spouse because you are content merely with looking at them.

The second lesson teaches us that as long as we haven't internalized that everything is truly in HaShem's hands we will be wasting all of our time trying to control our circumstances. Which basically means we're throwing our lives away. HaShem can handle everything in our lives, we just have to handle the mitzwoth. If we don't make our relationship with HaShem, which is established through the performance of the mitzwoth, the central tenet of our existence, then our existence is going to get very tenuous. All day long we will be chasing after the shadows of oppurtunity and fleeing from fearful imaginations. When we look at the heart of each dilemma - How can I serve HaShem from this place? Then we approach every challenge with the certain knowledge that somewhere in the thick of it is where I will find HaShem.

Taken together we can see the answer, perhaps to our question:

When we're told to love HaShem and serve him with all our life and all our soul, we can see how that love needs to be transformed through the mitzwoth, through the fear of the challenge and through penetrating to the underlying truth. We may fear for our life or for our soul, but when we know the truth, that the only thing to fear is HaShem, then we are filled with so much love that we push forward in His service.

When we're relating to HaShem through pure love, there's always got to be 'more.' However close we are today, perhaps there's something we're overlooking that can bring us closer still. What about this mitzwah or that halachah that I learned but never bothered to get to know?

There's never an end to a good relationship. You can always grow closer, but it has to be through shared experiences. Mitzwoth are just that, sharing an experience with HaShem, as the root of the word mitzwah means to bind.

time for a mitzwah

We are taught how important it is, before performing a mitzwah, to associate oneself with the collective of Bnei Yisrael.

Here is a short kavanah (meditation) we can have in mind before performing any mitzwah:

First, picture yourself surrounded by other Jews. Then recognize that all Jews are considered Tzaddikim and are full of mitzwoth. Remember that you once sinned, or one of your actions or thoughts was not entirely for the sake of heaven. See how all of the Jews, in fact the entire Jewish people are towering all around you, shining brightly. Realize how insignificant you are in the face of the entire history of your people, your grandparents, great grandparents, your children, their children.

Once you have reached that level where you are utterly lost within the sea that is the Jewish People, then connect that place, that image, that idea, back to HaShem.

See how the sea that was Bnei Yisrael in your mind is smaller than the smallest fleck upon the vast infinity that is HaShem.

In short, when you prepare to do a mitzwah, lose yourself in the united House of Yisrael, and then lose Bnei Yisrael in the enormity of HaShem.

Then you are ready to perform the mitzwah.

enter the rabbi

In the beginning of the movie 'Enter the Dragon,' Bruce Lee explains part of his martial arts philosophy, that one trains until the art becomes part of the body's nature:

When my opponent expands, i contract. When my opponent contracts, i expand, and when there is an opportunity..i do not hit(shakes fist), it hits all by itself.

As we know, each of the 248 positive commandments correspond to one of the 248 limbs, and the 365 negative commandments correspond to the 365 sinews.

Perhaps we can take a lesson out of Bruce Lee's book. Mitzwoth and their performance must be so precious and so ingrained within our nature, that each limb and sinew drives us to perform its mitzwah.

Only through careful repeated intentional performance of each and every mitzwah can we refine our bodies to the point where our bodies are drawn to perform the mitzwah in and of themselves.

At which point the mitzwoth become our body as much as our body can be said to be so. This is one of the ways to fulfill the commandment to 'cleave' to HaShem.

if you can't join em, beat em [2/2]

Coming back to the metaphor of eating and what we can learn from it, I think it would be wise to review Rebbe Nachman's lesson we learned a while back titled "let's eat in." (see: http://awaxingwellspring.blogspot.com/2008/02/lets-eat-in.html)

We see that in addition to the act of consuming food, it is easy for us to be consumed by something else, a feeling, an idea, an experience. When we say 'consumed by' we mean it literally. We are absorbed into that experience and become a part of its nature.

Here to what we learned in part 1 applies. When we are part of an experience we are either being absorbed, consumed, and changed by it, or we are consuming and changing it. It's eat or be eaten.

Sometimes when the experience is positive and good for us, we want to be 'eaten.' It refines and purifies us, as Rebbe Nachman teaches. These kind of experiences, visiting the Holy Land, visiting a Tzaddik, learning Torah, strengthening our Emunah, (our pure faith) we want them to consume us, we want to be remade into the material of the Tzaddik, the Land of Israel, the Torah, or Emunah.

Other times, we don't want experiences that might be negative or harmful to consume us. We don't want to become part of that bad experience. Again we can find analogs in the physical world: Unfortunately people subjected to abuse often become abusive themselves. These people have been devoured by the experience, their nature has become part of the nature of abuse. (This applies even to minor verbal abuse)

Basically, every encounter we have with anything outside ourselves has the ability to influence and change us. This is the basic tenet of the psychology called behaviorism. However, it is ALWAYS within our control to choose to influence that experience, rather than be influenced by it. Note the emphasis on the word 'choose.' We can always choose what we want, but our success is not assured. Life is effort, life is work, and sometimes (though it seems unfortunate) we have more to learn and gain from the loss than we do from the victory.

What is important to be aware of is that every loss (just like every win) is an opportunity to once again be affected and consumed, or to affect and consume.

This is at the root of Teshuvah. Teshuvah is the act of turning the experience from one that consumed us into one that we consume and change into a different, higher, and more refined nature.

This is also why I've stated in the past that Teshuvah applies to mitzwoth as well as aveiroth (sins) because we can choose in the here and now to allow that past experience of a mitzwah to consume us and affect us more fully. (Just as we can do the opposite with a negative past experience.)

The one caveat here is to understand that just as in Kashrut, there are some things that no matter how we may try, they will always consume us, because they aren't palatable. And for this reason, they are always forebidden; So too, sins (aveiroth) are actions/experiences that HaShem informs us from the start: they will certainly consume you and bring you down.

Neutral experiences can be brought to great holiness, in fact, that is a major part of our job here in this world. But non-neutral negative experiences (read: sins) cannot be brought to holiness through their performance. Only after the fact, if we slipped, then Teshuvah allows us, through super-human effort, to fix, consume, and change even these negative acts.

We need to strengthen these muscles. We need to recognize that every experience is an opportunity to come closer to HaShem, to experience HaShem more fully. Whether it is through deepening the experience by letting it overwhelm us, or it is by taking control of and modifying that experience.

All of these insights you can internalize through focusing on eating and what it does to you, and what you do to the food.

(maybe I should have called it, if you can't join em, eat em.)

enjoy!

On new tefillin, or a new tzitzith tied onto an old garment, we don't say the berachah shehechiyanu. What's the reason? We only say shehechiyanu on things we benefit from, and we weren't given the mitzwoth to benefit from them. (Yalkut Yosef - Hilchoth Tzitzith)

That's a mind-opening statement. A lot of times we will try and convince people to perform mitzwoth because it is actually better for them. Either it leads to a healthier lifestyle, or it gives you a new perspective, or it will benefit you financially. From this halachah we can see a deeper level of mitzwah observance.

This isn't a new idea, it's clear from Pirkei Avoth: Don't serve HaShem like servants expecting a reward, serve Him like servants who expect no reward. (Or in the original: Serve Him like servants who serve in order to not receive a reward.) The Talmud also says it straight to the point: there are no rewards for mitzwoth in this world. (שכר מצוה בהאי עלמא ליכא)

Yet, how do we deal with this mindset, don't we enjoy the performance of the mitzwoth a lot, and shouldn't that be encouraged? The answer lies perhaps in Torah learning. We see that by Torah learning, one must always start out from a place of ulterior motives (shelo l'shmah) in order to get to Torah learing for the proper reasons. (l'shmah) Maybe it's the same by the mitzwoth, just no one told us, the reason we start to do the mitzwoth is for all the apparent ancillary benefits, but the reason we keep doing the mitzwoth is in order to serve HaSHem.

We can see this education happening almost automatically: When we discover mitzwoth, or a new mitzwah, we may perform it out of the simple pleasure of doing something new. Once we are already involved in the mitzwoth we arrive at all kinds of obstacles, times when perhaps it would be easier to ignore the mitzwoth or at least put them on hold. Yet, often we don't put them on hold, because when think about it, or even try it, it just doesn't feel right. Suddenly we're performing the mitzwah not because of how much we benefit from its performance, but rather because we feel it is necesary.

HaShem even built this system into the nature of the world. Our pleasure threshold naturally rises. Whatever got us very excited last week, is certainly less exciting now, and the more we are exposed to the exciting stimulus, the less exciting it becomes. We need to pursue new and more extreme forms of excitement. This is a truth of HaShem's creation that finds its expression in so many places, including our brain chemistry.

We might start to do something because it is exciting, but what will keep us doing that thing after the excitement wears off? Only our own discipline and effort.

There has to be a higher level, you are thinking right now. Life isn't just about how robotic and determined we are. There are endless passukim about enjoyment and pleasure. Two come to mind: והתענג על השם - enjoy HaShem (i'm pretty sure coke stole the idea from HaShem) and טעמו ורעו כי טוב השם - taste and see that HaShem is good. I think these two passukim clarify the issue pretty significantly. The mitzwoth aren't to be enjoyed for themselves. Rather, the relationship with HaShem that is brought about through the mitzwoth is what can and should be enjoyed.

If we were to enjoy the mitzwoth themselves then we would be possibly (heaven forbid) treading in the very murky waters of idolatry. What's to stop us from enjoying the mitzwoth for their own sake, thinking it is the mitzwoth that do good for us, and not (heaven forbid) HaShem who is good to us, because we keep His mitzwoth? Unfortunately we see this happening sometimes, when people want to take the mitzwah upon themselves for health or other reasons, but don't want to have anything to do with HaShem.

Still, I wonder about the various cases of Shehechiyanu, that seem to involve mainly a mitzwah. Like lulav or sukkah, or hannukah. In such a case it seems like the time component is the critical part, with HaShem's help we'll revisit this topic with a clearer understanding.

golden doves versus rocks of burden

The Talmud relates a story (Berachot 53b) about Rabba bar bar Hana, who forgot to say birkat hamazon. (grace after meals) He was traveling with a group of people, when he realized that he had eaten during the previous stop in the trip, and had forgotten to bench. Since they had already travelled a fair distance, he didn't think they would wait for him to go back and bench in the place where he had eaten. (which is the preferred way to perform the mitzwah, although one is not required to go back. There's a separate story in the Talmud about a person who went back and was eaten by a lion (?) along the way before he managed to reach the place where he ate.) 

Anyways, Rabba bar bar Hana decided he would tell his compatriots that he left behind a golden dove, a prized possession, and they couldn't possibly argue with him, for something so valuable, who wouldn't go back to retrieve it? So, he gave them his newly fabricated excuse, and went back up the trail, while they waited for him. Because of Rabba bar bar Hana's great appreciation of the mitzwah, a miracle occurred and when he went back he found an actual golden dove.

Even though I'm often in favor of the literal meaning of stories in the Talmud and the importance of them, I think there's another lesson we can learn from this story. Whether the golden dove he found was actual or allegorical, I think it teaches us about the reward of performing mitzwoth. It seems to me that from this story we see that HaShem rewards us for each mitzwah in direct accordance with how WE value that mitzwah. 

If each morning we don tefillin out of the burden of the obligation, so HaShem relates to our action and rewards us also out of obligation, but it is figuratively a burden for Him too. He doesn't want to, but He has to. Instead when we are excited to put on tefillin and experience the spiritual elevation, the closeness to HaShem that this mitzwah brings us. Then HaShem figuratively is excited to elevate us and bring us close, excited to shower us with blessing.

And, with an idea like this, what better way to execute it than be truly celebrating the Shabbath, looking forward to it all week, preparing for it all week and rejoicing in it all day, every Shabbath? We can bring this understanding, this idea, this teaching down to every single mitzwah, but let's start with Shabbath, because on Shabbath we have the freedom from all the distractions of the week to really focus on the unique mitzwah that is Shabbath.

borrowed vessels

There's an idea, sort of a visual, that I've held for some time and it basically illustrates the point of our avodah. It explains why and how our actions in this world directly reflect our reward in the world to come.

Picture this, the sum total of your being is an empty vessel. It's a very crude empty vessel. What's it supposed to hold? Compressed light. Light, infinite light, under unimaginable pressure such that it will be contained within this now-empty vessel. The problem is this: You, the crude vessel, are riddled with imperfections. There's no way you could possibly survive the pressure of being filled. Before we can get to the purpose of the vessel, being filled, containing something, we need to perfect and complete this crude vessel.

That's this life, this world, perfecting the vessel. The world to come is what happens when the vessel is filled, or fulfilled. In our daily lives, with each mitzwah we seek out, we are hunting down those imperfections in the vessel and polishing them with the intense heat of Ahavat HaShem and Yirat Shamayim. Every now and then, the more the vessel is perfected, it is tested with the most minute amounts of light. Filled ever so slightly, so that the stresses on the vessel will reveal even more subtle imperfections. This is life, the revelations of Godliness, and the challenges of our daily toil, all to become a master craftsman, in hebrew that's an אומן, and complete the vessel. (I believe it was the Pri Ha'aretz that points out that Emunah shares the same root as Oman, a craftsman, because Emunah is something we perfect through constant effort.) 

Today I came across the Noam Elimelech (Parashath Ekev) who fleshed out and sourced the idea nicely. He said that our Ahavah and Yirah coupled with our mitzwoth are what make the vessel a proper vessel. Then, just as when someone comes to you and asks you to borrow some oil or wine, they bring with them a vessel to carry the oil or wine back, in the very same way, we bring HaShem this vessel, and He fills it with His light and returns the vessel to us. This is the meaning of the verse מה ה' אלוקך שואל מעימך?  - What does HaShem your lord [borrow] from you? HaShem 'borrows' the vessel from you, fills it with His light, and returns it.