parents as role models

Towards the end of the Tanya we see a discussion of how learning Torah differs from the practical mitzwoth.

One of the Alter Rebbe's major points is that Torah, as a pursuit of God, is limited in that the closest we can come is to an awareness of the Existence of God, but we cannot experience His Essence.

Through performing the physical mitzwoth, on the other hand, we are actually binding ourselves to God's Essence. (Note that this includes even (or especially) studying the halachot of the performance of physical mitzwoth because through the study of the performance of the mitzwoth we connect to the Essence of God's Intellect which prescribed the precise boundaries of the mitzwoth.)

My cousin Solly related a dvar Torah he had heard elsewhere regarding Avraham Avinu's tremendous intellectual insight that God existed. The question raised is, after such an insight, why did HaShem have to test Avraham? The Answer lies in the two relationships a person forges with HaShem, one is this intellectual relationship and the other is a relationship built on action and commitment. This second relationship was the one Avraham had to build, this was the purpose of the ten trials he underwent.

What strikes me personally is how one of these aspects of serving God seems very paternal, and the other maternal. Perhaps this is why HaShem gave each of us a mother and a father, to show us that we need to connect to God both through an intellectual awareness of His Existence (Torah study) and through the closeness brought about by ongoing involvement. (Mitzwah performance)

[This bears out some excellent relationship advice: When one's marriage mixes both these means of relationship, understanding and respect (intellectual) as well as shared time and experiences (involvement) there is the potential for a full and rewarding unity.]

wrinkled and holy like parchment paper

On Yom Kippur, when I had a lull in concentration, and no matter what I tried I couldn't focus on anything other than an old sci-fi movie, I started to think about the influential people in my life. I thought about my grandmothers and grandfathers, parents, aunts and uncles, teachers, in-laws. The only thing that stuck in my head was the texture of their skin. Holy holy holy skin, wrinkled and paper-thin.

It occurred to me then, and though it is something I've said and written in the past I understood it then in a new and deeper light, that the essence of being a Jew is being simple. Simply keeping to the laws and traditions, year after year, day after day. Your soul is always holy; infinite and holy. But in the persistence of Judaism your flesh, especially your skin becomes holy. And in that moment I understood that children are new flesh, with years and years of investment ahead in order to reach that same holiness of skin that Grandma or Sabba carry with such grace.

It is no wonder then, that the Tikkunei Zohar teaches that the skin is the organ that represents Malchut. (God's Kingship, the Word of the King)

things I should say to my boss

I would love to make this deadline, but I've got much more important things to do.

In less than three weeks I have to stand before the Creator of all that is and justify my existence. He's the one who is paying the bills, He writes the checks. If I don't satisfy Him, I won't be able to make ends meet. On the other hand, if He's happy with me, I'm on easy street. You could fire me, and I wouldn't even notice.

I have to start working on myself.

Sounds ridiculous to you?

Sounds ridiculous to me too.. that's my problem.

In eighteen days I have to stand before the King of Kings, and I'm affraid I'll just be standing in synagogue, almost completely unaware of my current situation.

Can you imagine, being judged by the King and being so oblivious as to not know what is going on?

What chance do I have if I can't speak in my own defense? I'll be like someone showing up to court drunk.

Thank God He's merciful and graceful, exceedingly patient, infinitely kind and truthful, looks out for the good of all, overlooks transgression, crime, and sin and cleanses all.*

I'm only going to get off because He'll let me off; but shouldn't I at least put in the effort?

Wouldn't it be nice if I could be present for my judgement, maybe thank HaShem profusely for his infinite mercies?

Anyways, that's the way the conversation should go. But of course I won't say it. Year after year, this is what we go through, and we don't say these things, we don't take a month off to prepare (which by the way is the whole purpose of this month of Elul) to take stock, and to get to know God in a personal way. In the month of Elul we say the King is in the field -- He's around, get to know Him, so that when He sits on His lofty throne come Rosh HaShanah, we'll have a clue who it is we're standing before.

He's also our father, so we know even if He doesn't go easy on us, it's all for our own good. But Still. There are babies, who are all but unaware of the existence of their parents, and then there are children who know and recognize their parents, who take great pleasure in the attention afforded them, who want nothing more than to show off a new project or bring home a pleasing report card.

There are even young adults whose successes in the real world are even more precious in their parents' eyes.

And then there are those children who have grown, and wed, and birthed, and brought home grandchildren for their parents' pleasure.

Our mitzwoth are referred to as our children. When we do mitzwoth, real mitzwoth, the kind of mitzwoth that we meant to do, that we rushed to do, that we were overbrimming with joy to do, these mitzwoth are as alive as children. They have a body (the action) and a soul. (the intent)

When we come before HaShem in eighteen days, we don't (really) have to be worried whether or not we will get a favorable judge or a merciful jury, but what if Rosh HaShanah could be like bringing your kids home for a visit with their Grandfather??

That's what it really means to be inscribed in the book of life.

* this is my own translation of the 13 attributes of mercy

throw a tantrum

Want HaShem the way a child wants their Abba.

Don't be affraid to scream your head off, or act entirely irrationally.

When you want Abba, no smooth-talking or calming is going to come between you and your Abba.

Candy is great, and you are happy to gorge yourself on it when you have the time, but don't even consider it when you are in the middle of a fit, demanding your father's attentions.

We think kids are here to drive us (parents) crazy, maybe sometimes they are, but really they're here to show us what it means to really want something.

Their job as children is to show us just how much you can accomplish when truly focused on your goals.

Our job as parents is to give them worthy goals to pursue.

mixing up time and quality time

Recently my father was visiting from abroad and I felt like I didn't get to see very much of him. He was only here for a few days surrounding purim and he had many people to see.

I knew logically that I shouldn't be upset about it, after all only my yetzer hara benefits from me being upset. But how to deal with these feelings in a positive way rather than ignoring them?

It ocurred to me that the Rebbe from Lubavitch would write long detailed correspondence with those who were further from him, whereas with his close hasidim a few words or a sentence would often suffice. When I looked from that perspective, that my father needs to spend the most time with those further from him, and because of my closeness I need less of his time, it allowed me to relax and appreciate our relationship.

This kind of thought process wouldn't necessarily bring everyone the comfort it brings me, but for me when I understand life through the lens of Torah it makes everything easier.

children of tzaddikim

The night before last, on the yahrtzeit of Rebbe Elimelech of Lizhensk, in a dream I was made to understand the precious nature of mitzwoth.

I remember the pure happiness and joy I felt for mitzwoth, but I couldn't begin to put it into words. When I was speaking to my father on the phone last night, telling him about this joy, I found a way to express it: The pleasure and joy that we can experience with each mitzwah is the same pleasure and joy we experience through our children.

I could never have understood this before I became a father, and still there are many levels which I have yet to experience and so, I am yet to understand. But, the pure richness of joy a parent experiences, the nachas that a parent feels at seeing their child cheerful/successful/etc, the awe that a parent feels whenever their child does something new, that is the pleasure and joy and relationship that we can (potentially) have with our mitzwoth.

[This expression lead me to consider and understand the following only today:]

It is, perhaps, for this reason that Chazal explain that the mitzwoth of Tzaddikim are called their toldoth, their generations. (אלא תולדות נח, אלא תולדות יצחק בן אברהם)

Whenever we do a mitzwah, it can be a chore, it can be a responsibility, it can be a priviledge, it can be a treat, or it can be giving birth to another child which we nurture and care for, which fills our hearts with love and joy until we feel unequal to the task. Our mitzwoth don't really leave us and vanish as soon as they are performed, they stay with us and add more light to our life. כי נר מצוה ותורה אור - the mitzwah is like another candle that makes our world [a lot] brighter--forever. When we learn Torah it increases the light that shines from our mitzwoth, not only the one's we have yet to perform but even those that are behind us.

This is a form of Teshuvah we don't normally consider, making our (past) good deeds better. When we keep our mitzwoth with us, and nurture them with more Torah, when we know they are eternal and are forever with us, even after our bodies have long vanished, we can improve them even after the act is long done.

It is only when we let go of our mitzwoth, fire and forget style, that we separate ourselves from them. Just as a parent could, heaven forebid, turn their back on their child. Yet, all is not lost, all is never lost, just as a child always longs for their parents, so too the mitzwah always longs for us to revisit it, to be nurtured and fed, to grow.

the first jewish parent

Yitzhak Avinu's main midah is Gevurah or Din. The Akeidah was done for him, he needed it, he needed to be able to give of himself wholely to HaShem. For Avraham Avinu, whose main midah is Hesed, kindness, the Akeidah was quite a challenge.

From this we can see that sometimes parents have to totally break their nature in order to provide for their every child exactly what he or she needs, even if it is completely against their instincts.

Avraham served HaShem with every ounce of himself, but to do something totally against his nature in the service of HaShem was a hidush.

From this we can also see that the task of being parents is the most spiritually inspiring and self-fulfilling task HaShem gives us.