In his introduction to hilchot Hannukah, the Ben Ish Hai makes an interesting comment about teshuvah:
Like cooking, if the pot is covered, the food will cook much faster and more thoroughly, so too, Teshuvah done in a covered manner (with tzniut) will be far more effective.
Showing posts with label teshuvah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label teshuvah. Show all posts
10.12.09
14.10.09
fathers and kings
The Bnei Yissachar explains why Teshuvah only works for Jews: We know that according to halachah, a King can't override his honor, whereas a father can. Jews have an exclusive father-son relationship with God, so He puts aside His honor and forgives their trespasses.
1.9.09
exile as scalpel
Two interesting points I've seen recently in Rav Avraham Azulai's Hesed L'Avraham:
He goes into great detail as to the suffering of the soul in Gehenom, purgatory, but the most important point changes one's whole perspective: The suffering of the soul is not a punishment, it is a purification process for the sole benefit of the soul. Normally we associate Gehenom with the non-Jewish idea of 'Hell,' but there is almost no correllation. Gehenom is a lot closer to vital soul-saving surgery performed on a soul in grave danger.
In that sense it might be possible to say that this world by default becomes a form of surgery with anesthesia. (In the most protracted sense.) Gehenom would be surgery without the anesthesia. Although I think all Kabbalistic texts agree that Gehenom is categorically less painful than reincarnation as a means of treatment for spiritual damage. I believe this is mainly because of the additional damage one will most likely cause in another reincarnation.
The point though, is that Gehenom, with all the rivers of fire, demons, and scorpions, is a therapy aimed at spiritual health, not at causing suffering. [This becomes apparent when we look at Pirkei Avot where we are warned not to think of Gehenom as a refuge after we die. (according to the understandings of the Notzer Hesed) How could Gehenom possibly be a refuge? It's a refuge from taking accountability for one's actions (vis a vis one's sins) because one might be tempted not to repent and simply let the fires of Gehenom cleanse one's soul. Talk about living life on credit.]
The second and related point of interest is that R' Azulai draws connections between the micro and macrocosm, explaining that exile is the spiritual equivalent for the totality of the nation of Israel, as the suffering in Gehenom is for a single Jewish soul. Just as Gehenom is a cleansing process for the soul, the exile is meant to cleanse and purify the Jewish people -- the redemption marks the completion of that purification.
24.9.08
ooh how embarrassing
It is often taught that Torah study greatly increases our ability to pray.
This is true not only of Tefillah, prayer, but also of all the other mitzwoth, especially Teshuvah.
Whenever you are learning Torah and are reminded of your less than spectacular actions, immediately stop what you are doing, stand up, and right then ask HaShem for foregiveness.
Then, of course, sit back down and continue on with your learning.
This is a great way to learn Torah and do Teshuvah all year round, and especially in Elul.
In this manner, you do Teshuvah in the heat of your embarrassment. Right when you are reminded of your flaws and are embarrassed by them, you turn to HaShem and do Teshuvah.
This is a high level of Teshuvah, rather than doing Teshuvah because you fear HaShem's punishment, you do Teshuvah because you are arroused by the Torah to be embarrassed by your deeds before HaShem.
There are higher levels of Teshuvah still, may we all merit to reach them in the days of Elul that remain and the 10 days of repentance that are quickly approaching.
23.9.08
debugging flawless systems
Teshuvah is such a dry process. It doesn't seem to have much meaning. We go through lists in our heads, find things we feel guilty about it, try and convince ourselves we really regret it, that we won't do it again, and then try and deliver our sincerest teshuvah and hope HaShem will buy it.
It all seems like a joke, or a game we play sheepishly, looking around to see if everyone else is still playing too. Because if everyone would let up and stop making us look bad for honestly having no clue what we really did or how to really seek foregiveness, we'd stop right now.
Being in shul for hours on end on Yom Kippur, and even on Rosh HaShanah, is a game of chicken. We are too affraid to call HaShem's bluff so we sit through the whole thing as long as we possibly can, counting the pages, the minutes, the funny things the overly serious chazan does. Everyone else is doing it, so what choice do we have?
This isn't Teshuvah. It's not what Rosh HaShanah is meant to be and certainly not Yom Kippur.
When we sit in front of a computer, run a number of programs, visit some websites, check email, everything we do has a purpose. (More often than not the purpose is killing time, sadly, but that's a purpose, a lamentable purpose, all the same.) When we do something, something happens. Every click and every keypress has some effect. We send mail, Instant messages, blog, comment, etc.
What happens when suddenly something we're trying to do doesn't work?
Well, we know it's a computer, it's the internet, these are programs. All of them could be at fault and all of them are imperfect. The more we are familliar with them, the more options we have to try and work out what the hang up is. What's the problem, what's holding us back?
We try different programs (firefox, internet explorer) restart them, reconnect to the internet, restart the computer, see if we can reach other sites or if everything is temporarily inaccessible. In short, we know to play around with our digital environment.
That's what Teshuvah is supposed to be like.
We are meant to feel mitzwoth. We are meant to see their effects. If we find that a mitzwah isn't having its expected effect, we need to debug it, we need to figure out where we went wrong and do Teshuvah.
As long as we don't feel the mitzwoth, as long as we have no real personal relationship with HaShem, we're trying to google something without ever connecting to the internet. It just isn't going to work. But, if we don't even know we can go somewhere and do something, we don't even try.
Mitzwah comes from the word 'to bind.' With each mitzwah we bind ourselves to HaShem. Or that's the goal anyway. But that's only possible if we want to connect. I think we can all agree that HaShem wants to connect, which means its up to us. Do we want to connect?
I challenge anyone who reads this to take any one mitzwah and perform it, calling out to HaShem with everything you can muster. Do that same mitzwah as often as you can (or at least once a day) over and over until you get through.
This very well might be the first mitzwah you ever feel, but I can guarantee it won't be the last.
Once you start to really feel what it is to perform a mitzwah, not only will you want to seek out anything that separates you from an even deeper experience of the mitzwah, the performance of the mitzwah itself will help you discern what is wrong and what needs to be fixed.
Unlike computers, programs, and the internet, the Torah and mitzwoth are flawless and unbreakable. The only thing that stands in the way of our connection is whether or not we know how to use them. Each one is connected to the whole and bears within it the instructions to all the others. The more we perfect each one, the better we get at all the rest.
You don't have to feel helpless when it comes to Teshuvah, and you don't have to sit in shul twiddling your thumbs on Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur. You can be spending quality time with HaShem.
Let everyone else around you wonder how much more you can take and why you aren't getting bored. (And then be nice and maybe clue them in.)
Teshuvah isn't about feeling bad about things you don't understand, it's about eliminating whatever it is that is holding you back from getting through.
It all seems like a joke, or a game we play sheepishly, looking around to see if everyone else is still playing too. Because if everyone would let up and stop making us look bad for honestly having no clue what we really did or how to really seek foregiveness, we'd stop right now.
Being in shul for hours on end on Yom Kippur, and even on Rosh HaShanah, is a game of chicken. We are too affraid to call HaShem's bluff so we sit through the whole thing as long as we possibly can, counting the pages, the minutes, the funny things the overly serious chazan does. Everyone else is doing it, so what choice do we have?
This isn't Teshuvah. It's not what Rosh HaShanah is meant to be and certainly not Yom Kippur.
When we sit in front of a computer, run a number of programs, visit some websites, check email, everything we do has a purpose. (More often than not the purpose is killing time, sadly, but that's a purpose, a lamentable purpose, all the same.) When we do something, something happens. Every click and every keypress has some effect. We send mail, Instant messages, blog, comment, etc.
What happens when suddenly something we're trying to do doesn't work?
Well, we know it's a computer, it's the internet, these are programs. All of them could be at fault and all of them are imperfect. The more we are familliar with them, the more options we have to try and work out what the hang up is. What's the problem, what's holding us back?
We try different programs (firefox, internet explorer) restart them, reconnect to the internet, restart the computer, see if we can reach other sites or if everything is temporarily inaccessible. In short, we know to play around with our digital environment.
That's what Teshuvah is supposed to be like.
We are meant to feel mitzwoth. We are meant to see their effects. If we find that a mitzwah isn't having its expected effect, we need to debug it, we need to figure out where we went wrong and do Teshuvah.
As long as we don't feel the mitzwoth, as long as we have no real personal relationship with HaShem, we're trying to google something without ever connecting to the internet. It just isn't going to work. But, if we don't even know we can go somewhere and do something, we don't even try.
Mitzwah comes from the word 'to bind.' With each mitzwah we bind ourselves to HaShem. Or that's the goal anyway. But that's only possible if we want to connect. I think we can all agree that HaShem wants to connect, which means its up to us. Do we want to connect?
I challenge anyone who reads this to take any one mitzwah and perform it, calling out to HaShem with everything you can muster. Do that same mitzwah as often as you can (or at least once a day) over and over until you get through.
This very well might be the first mitzwah you ever feel, but I can guarantee it won't be the last.
Once you start to really feel what it is to perform a mitzwah, not only will you want to seek out anything that separates you from an even deeper experience of the mitzwah, the performance of the mitzwah itself will help you discern what is wrong and what needs to be fixed.
Unlike computers, programs, and the internet, the Torah and mitzwoth are flawless and unbreakable. The only thing that stands in the way of our connection is whether or not we know how to use them. Each one is connected to the whole and bears within it the instructions to all the others. The more we perfect each one, the better we get at all the rest.
You don't have to feel helpless when it comes to Teshuvah, and you don't have to sit in shul twiddling your thumbs on Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur. You can be spending quality time with HaShem.
Let everyone else around you wonder how much more you can take and why you aren't getting bored. (And then be nice and maybe clue them in.)
Teshuvah isn't about feeling bad about things you don't understand, it's about eliminating whatever it is that is holding you back from getting through.
Abba!!!
I have been lost in the very deep Torah of Tikkunei Zohar this Elul, so I've had a hard time bringing it down to levels I can comprehend let alone share.
I guess I can see the littlest of what the Komarna Rebbe meant when he said he didn't write a peirush on Tikkunei Zohar because it was too dense.
Not long ago, in the daily Tanya, Rebbe Shneur Zalman explained how a father can only give over a lesson to his son if he first refines his ideas to a very basic level, one which will be palatable to his son's lesser intellect. Secondly, the excitement/desire/love with which the father gives over the lesson to his son has a tremendous impact on how well the son can receive and retain the lesson.
In Elul and on Rosh HaShanah especially, we need to recognize how much HaShem truly loves us that he created this whole world, everything in existence, as a means to make his infinite kindness palatable to our limited selves.
Not only did he bring down the infinity of Torah to a level of ink scrawled on parchment, but He loves us so much that he gave us the Torah as well as six hundred and thirteen mitzwoth with which we may bind ourselves to Him.
When we sin, when we violate part or one of those six hundred and thirteen mitzwoth, it isn't that we are doing something wrong, that we're behaving badly. It is that we are limiting ourselves beyond even our nature. HaShem has come all the way down to earth to be with us, to look us in the eye, and we are unwittingly closing those eyes.
In our generation we no longer know what it means to sin intentionally. To sin intentionally you need to know what you are missing out on. Do we really know? No.
The Komarna Rebbe quotes the Arizal who explains to Rav Hayyim Vital, that we are beings so thoroughly mired in physicality that we can't possibly reach a lofty level, yet every mitzwah we do is all the more precious because of that. The Komarna Rebbe goes on to say that if the Arizal was explaining this about the time in which he lived, how much the moreso nowadays? In fact, the Rebbe goes on, I testify that in our day and age, every Jew, and especially all Bnei Ashkenaz are considered tinok she'nishba, an innocent child who knows nothing and cannot be held accountable for his sins. (Netiv Mitzwotecha, Netiv Emunah:6:10)
HaShem loves us so much. We love Him too. The goal of every mitzwah you do from now till Rosh HaShanah is to open your heart and feel that love, both Him for us and we for Him.
Abba!!!
I guess I can see the littlest of what the Komarna Rebbe meant when he said he didn't write a peirush on Tikkunei Zohar because it was too dense.
Not long ago, in the daily Tanya, Rebbe Shneur Zalman explained how a father can only give over a lesson to his son if he first refines his ideas to a very basic level, one which will be palatable to his son's lesser intellect. Secondly, the excitement/desire/love with which the father gives over the lesson to his son has a tremendous impact on how well the son can receive and retain the lesson.
In Elul and on Rosh HaShanah especially, we need to recognize how much HaShem truly loves us that he created this whole world, everything in existence, as a means to make his infinite kindness palatable to our limited selves.
Not only did he bring down the infinity of Torah to a level of ink scrawled on parchment, but He loves us so much that he gave us the Torah as well as six hundred and thirteen mitzwoth with which we may bind ourselves to Him.
When we sin, when we violate part or one of those six hundred and thirteen mitzwoth, it isn't that we are doing something wrong, that we're behaving badly. It is that we are limiting ourselves beyond even our nature. HaShem has come all the way down to earth to be with us, to look us in the eye, and we are unwittingly closing those eyes.
In our generation we no longer know what it means to sin intentionally. To sin intentionally you need to know what you are missing out on. Do we really know? No.
The Komarna Rebbe quotes the Arizal who explains to Rav Hayyim Vital, that we are beings so thoroughly mired in physicality that we can't possibly reach a lofty level, yet every mitzwah we do is all the more precious because of that. The Komarna Rebbe goes on to say that if the Arizal was explaining this about the time in which he lived, how much the moreso nowadays? In fact, the Rebbe goes on, I testify that in our day and age, every Jew, and especially all Bnei Ashkenaz are considered tinok she'nishba, an innocent child who knows nothing and cannot be held accountable for his sins. (Netiv Mitzwotecha, Netiv Emunah:6:10)
HaShem loves us so much. We love Him too. The goal of every mitzwah you do from now till Rosh HaShanah is to open your heart and feel that love, both Him for us and we for Him.
Abba!!!
15.9.08
good and stubborn
Last year during Elul, my wife and I were trying, hopelessly, to get to the Kotel for selichoth one night by car. The old city was so backlogged, we sat for two hours before we fled through the Zion gate.
While in the car we joked about everyone honking their horns for Moshiah.
This past motzaei Shabbath, remembering back to last year, my wife suggested that perhaps we were supposed to beg and plead and adamantly demand Moshiah's arrival. In this way we would take our stiff-necked nature and bring it to some positive use.
We know that a ba'al teshuvah who returns with all of his or her heart is not only accquitted of his (or her) sins, but HaShem actually counts those sins as merits in the ba'al teshuvah's interest.
Perhaps the final teshuvah of Klal Yisrael is to redeem our stubborness as a midah tovah, a beneficial attribute.
In this way perhaps all of the nation's communal sins would be transformed to universal merits.
11.9.08
bet your bottom dollar on today
[thanks to Pesah, my chevruta who helped me understand this idea]
Wait a second.
Right about now the Yetzer Hara says to you: "What do you mean you aren't going to sin again? You're telling me honestly that you are now a tzaddik? That's all well and good, but tomorrow will you still have the strength to enforce today's decisions? You're so sure you will never sin again? Maybe you should be more honest with HaShem, He knows what is in your heart anyways, tell Him you'll try not to sin again, or that you don't want to sin again even though you probably will."
What's your answer to the Yetzer Hara? How do you answer such a true and well-reasoned argument?
At this point most of us concede the Yetzer Hara's point and turn to HaShem saying something along the lines of: "HaShem, I'm sorry for what I did, and I don't want to do it again, but I'm only human and I probably will, please forgive me."
I'm sure our honesty is not lost on HaShem, whose infinite mercy is beyond our comprehension. However, what just happened?
We just caved to our Yetzer Hara. It might sound good and true, but if the Yetzer Hara said it, you can be sure at it's root it's a test, a lie, it's just not true. If it's what the Yetzer Hara wants, isn't that enough of a reason to fight it? To say, "No! HaShem, I'm sorry for what I did and I'm NEVER going to do it again EVER!"
Right now you're reading this and basically siding with the yetzer hara, "Well, it's a nice idea, i'd like to be able to really do that, but wouldn't I be lying to myself and to HaShem?"
No.
Rebbe Nachman teaches us that the key to serving HaShem is knowing that we only ever have today. If we are blessed with another day, a tomorrow, when we get there, it becomes today.
We only have today.
Just one day.
In that day we can serve HaShem, or we can (has v'shalom) rebel against His Torah, His Will.
When we say, "I sinned, HaShem, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again." We mean, "All I have is today, and I'm going to make sure I won't do it again today." If we get to tomorrow, we'll see what happens, but right now there is no tomorrow.
The Yetzer Hara is always trying to get you to focus on tomorrow, not only tomorrow but all the tomorrows still ahead of us. And the yesterdays. He says to you: "Yesterday you sinned. Tomorrow you will sin. Why don't you sin today too?"
To this we need to respond, "No." Today I'm not going to sin. Today I will serve HaShem, I'll worry about sinning tomorrow.
The Yetzer Hara wants you to push off your mitzwoth till tomorrow, all we need to do is push off our sins till tomorrow.
So, now when the Yetzer Hara tells you, "But you're going to sin tomorrow," You can agree with him, yeah, but it's always going to be tomorrow. Just so long as I don't sin today.
Now we can all go forward, and do proper whole and complete Teshuvah, and say to HaShem, "I'm sorry I did it, I'm never going to do it again. EVER." And know in our hearts the truth of it.
All we have is today. Today to do mitzwoth. Today to do teshuvah. Let the Yetzer Hara worry about tomorrow.
It's not for nothing that Pirkei Avoth teaches us, "Today to do the work, and tomorrow to receive the reward." Olam HaZeh, this world, is called 'Today.' The world to come, Olam HaBa, is called 'Tomorrow.' We know that tomorrow, in the world to come, there will be no Yetzer Hara. He should worry about tomorrow -- not us.
10.9.08
a stitch in time
Rav Shalom Arush mentions in one of his CD lectures (something about Simcha--i didn't see the CD, only heard it) that Rebbe Nachman explains the only way to reach true awareness that everything is for the good, true emunah, true and intimate knowledge of HaShem's constant presence: Doing cheshbon nefesh every day.
What does that mean? If you want to develop a personal relationship with HaShem, you need to do teshuvah every single day. If you don't set time aside, and really review your day and confess and regret each and every cheit, (sin) you won't be able to experience HaShem. Instead, all your transgressions will cloud your spiritual awareness of HaShem and you will essentially be living in the spiritual dark-ages.
While I was giving a dvar Torah on Shabbath, (Shoftim) I mentioned Elul, and how the King is in the Field. In Elul, HaShem makes Himself accessible to everyone. The rest of the year, we need to approach the palace, enter rooms within rooms and plead and beg to receive an audience with the King. But, in Elul, the King is in the field. Right there with us, the peasants.
The juxtaposition of the two ideas made me realize a deeper message: The nature of 'the King is in the field' is a result of the deep teshuvah that is happening in Elul. Access to the King is directly proportional to teshuvah. We can have the close relationship with HaShem of Elul year round if we do the avodah of Elul, teshuvah, year round.
I believe I read a long time ago that Elul embodies the passuk השיבנו ה' אליך ונשובה, (return us to you, HaShem, and we will return) and the rest of the year embodies the passuk, שובה אלי ואשובה אליכם. (return to me [Israel] and I will return to you) When I mentioned this relationship to Rav Raz Hartman he clarified it for me. Elul is when HaShem does Teshuvah and comes close to us. The rest of the year we do Teshuvah to come close to HaShem.
The important thing to realize is that, as Rebbe Nachman teaches, Teshuvah is the fundamental building block of any relationship with HaShem. Elul is special because of the special ease with which teshuvah can be done in Elul.
If we stop to think about it, it's obvious, what does Teshuvah mean? Returning. Coming back to HaShem. Closing the gap.
31.8.08
tinkering with the autopilot
The world is a busy and complicated place. We're so involved and absorbed in just keeping up, we don't have the time to address every individual need directly. Instead, we have a bunch of rules, preconceived notions, upon which we operate. We use these rules to narrow down the near-infinite stimuli of daily life into (sometimes not so) bite-size issues that require our attention.
Of necesity this means that on any given day we related to possibly many people while on complete autopilot. Whether our autopilot has been trained to say please and thank you or holds the door curteously for someone else, or is selfish, in a rush, and obnoxious, it's all autopilot. It's not us. Because simply, we don't have time.
Elul is the time to take time. Think about how many people we might not have helped or even listened to seriously because of our cocoon of time-saving rules, our autopilot. Think about how many times we may have dismissed a person in genuine and desperate need with just a few coins because of standard operating procedures.
Yes, of course if we knew that that person was truly in dire need and we had what to give, we would have given more, we might have taken the time to really help, it wouldn't have cost us very much. But we were on autopilot, we weren't even present enough to let it register.
The goal is to take time and think about it. Not to feel bad or guilty about it, just to think about it. Be aware of how many lives cross our own daily, of how little we know or are willing to care about all those lives because each one in a way threatens our own. Not life and death threats, just the threat of valuable minutes that could have been spent getting elsewhere, doing something else more important.
The goal is to check in on the autopilot from time to time, make sure it's only getting us where we need to go and not making us more cold and more harsh than we need to be.
Elul is the perfect time to take your autopilot for a little diagnostic check-up. What new features do I want to add to my autopilot for next year? In hindsight which features can I do without?
Did any of those features lead to situations that I might regret? Maybe I should iron out some of the wrinkles with HaShem.
It's Elul and the King is in the field, which means easy access to one and all.
Ask HaShem to help you debug your autopilot.
Hodesh tov!
Of necesity this means that on any given day we related to possibly many people while on complete autopilot. Whether our autopilot has been trained to say please and thank you or holds the door curteously for someone else, or is selfish, in a rush, and obnoxious, it's all autopilot. It's not us. Because simply, we don't have time.
Elul is the time to take time. Think about how many people we might not have helped or even listened to seriously because of our cocoon of time-saving rules, our autopilot. Think about how many times we may have dismissed a person in genuine and desperate need with just a few coins because of standard operating procedures.
Yes, of course if we knew that that person was truly in dire need and we had what to give, we would have given more, we might have taken the time to really help, it wouldn't have cost us very much. But we were on autopilot, we weren't even present enough to let it register.
The goal is to take time and think about it. Not to feel bad or guilty about it, just to think about it. Be aware of how many lives cross our own daily, of how little we know or are willing to care about all those lives because each one in a way threatens our own. Not life and death threats, just the threat of valuable minutes that could have been spent getting elsewhere, doing something else more important.
The goal is to check in on the autopilot from time to time, make sure it's only getting us where we need to go and not making us more cold and more harsh than we need to be.
Elul is the perfect time to take your autopilot for a little diagnostic check-up. What new features do I want to add to my autopilot for next year? In hindsight which features can I do without?
Did any of those features lead to situations that I might regret? Maybe I should iron out some of the wrinkles with HaShem.
It's Elul and the King is in the field, which means easy access to one and all.
Ask HaShem to help you debug your autopilot.
Hodesh tov!
29.8.08
pre-teshuvah
In Ohr Pnei Melech, Rav Steinsaltz stresses the fact that Teshuvah is something that every person is capable of doing, and that one requires no external prop in order to do teshuvah.
In other words, unlike college courses, degrees, jobs, and any other priviledge in society, there are no prerequisites for teshuvah.
You just need to know you need to do it.
In other words, unlike college courses, degrees, jobs, and any other priviledge in society, there are no prerequisites for teshuvah.
You just need to know you need to do it.
19.8.08
religious blinders
In Ohr Pnei Melech Rav Steinsaltz points out that religious Jews have a strange ability to relegate entire sections of Torah Law as 'not binding to me.'
It is probably a good idea to address and reexamine (perhaps rediscover) these areas when thinking about teshuvah and the preparations of Elul. I mean this in the best way, not teshuvah out of guilt, but teshuvah out of the recognition that I wantonly abandoned HaShem's will as if He wasn't speaking to me, and yet what He wants from me is something I ordinarily take very seriously.
When I started thinking about this I was shocked at how many things, both little and big, I've seemed to evade taking responsibility for. We, as citizens of modern western culture, might have atrophied quite a few muscles, but that power of denial is toned and in olympic shape.
In my case simply learning Halachah will definitely help me to uncover plenty of things I didn't even know existed, but definitely pertain to me.
It is probably a good idea to address and reexamine (perhaps rediscover) these areas when thinking about teshuvah and the preparations of Elul. I mean this in the best way, not teshuvah out of guilt, but teshuvah out of the recognition that I wantonly abandoned HaShem's will as if He wasn't speaking to me, and yet what He wants from me is something I ordinarily take very seriously.
When I started thinking about this I was shocked at how many things, both little and big, I've seemed to evade taking responsibility for. We, as citizens of modern western culture, might have atrophied quite a few muscles, but that power of denial is toned and in olympic shape.
In my case simply learning Halachah will definitely help me to uncover plenty of things I didn't even know existed, but definitely pertain to me.
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