It's an interesting social phenomenon, but when someone is aware of someone else's schedule it marks a level of intimacy and relationship. There is a social value placed on knowing what your friends are up to and where they happen to be. It's not the kind of thing one is normally aware of, but if you pay attention, one feels a little bit of ego when we can share the locale or the status of an important or popular person at a particular time, especially when this knowledge reveals your close relationship with the person in question. (You have to really pay attention to notice this effect, but its very real.)
This explains one of the praises of Bnei Yisrael that Bilam shares: (Balak 23:24) כָּעֵת, יֵאָמֵר לְיַעֲקֹב וּלְיִשְׂרָאֵל, מַה-פָּעַל, אֵל. Which the Holy Ishbitzer translates [loosely--english paraphrasal is mine] as: At every moment they will come to Israel to ask them what is God's doing right now? He explains that every soul of Bnei Yisrael has the potential to know HaShem's will at every single moment. This is an expression of our unique and exclusive relationship with HaShem.
But, I think there's a very un-esoteric application of this same relationship principle: It is very important for a marital relationship for the husband to make his whereabouts and plans known to his wife. In this way you express your unique and exclusive relationship, she knows where you are and what you are up to. If other people are looking for you, they know they can ask her. There is a special social status that is attached to that knowledge, just as our ability to explain HaShem's will exposes to all the nations our unique status.
(In terms of the marital relationship this goes both ways, I just described it from the angle more familiar to myself. It also happens a lot that one hears spouses annoyed or complaining (if often half joking) that they don't know where their other half went off to. So there is plenty of anecdotal evidence.)
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
1.6.08
19.5.08
honey im home
Bnei Yisrael is described as the bride of HaShem in both Tanachic and Rabbinic literature.
Anyone who wants to hasten the coming of the moshiah should be sure to arrive home when he tells his wife he will arrive, no matter the excuse.
Otherwise, HaShem may take his time in bringing the Geulah, the redemption, and returning to us.
Do we really want to hear a good excuse later on? Or do we just want Him home sooner?
Anyone who wants to hasten the coming of the moshiah should be sure to arrive home when he tells his wife he will arrive, no matter the excuse.
Otherwise, HaShem may take his time in bringing the Geulah, the redemption, and returning to us.
Do we really want to hear a good excuse later on? Or do we just want Him home sooner?
18.12.07
Torah of the whole man
On Shabbath my wife mentioned how frustrating it can be for women, that all the Torah seems to be applicable in a straightforward manner for men, but not for women.
I explained that even though it may appear to be the case, take a passuk like זאת תורת האדם - this is the Torah of man for example, it is not really true at all. In fact, Adam does not mean man, or at least it doesn't refer to the same element as the word Ish, (איש) man. We can see this from the Talmud in which it explains that a man is not called אדם - Adam unless he is married. From this we can see that a single man is an איש and a woman an אישה (Isha) and only an איש and אישה united constitute the word אדם, Man as in Mankind.
From this we can understand that a husband and a wife are both always performing actions for the whole. When one is learning Torah (either one) the couple is involved in Torah learning. When one is praying, both are involved. When one is preparing for Shabbath, both are involved.
There is no way, shape, form, or reason to try and break this union into its two constituent halves. There is no mitzwah that affects only one half of the whole.
This isn't an apologetic attempt to excuse one spouse or the other from learning Torah or anything else, it is just the opposite. One of the reasons why performing a mitzwah is so powerful is because its effects are hidden from us in this world. (שכר מצוה בהאי עלמא ליכא - there is no reward for a mitzwah in this world because the reward couldn't fit into this world, it is too great!) If we were aware of the awesome divine light that is revealed with each little berachah, we would never get to perform a second mitzwah, we would be blissing out on the first one indefinitely. It is only because the results of our actions are hidden to us that we may stand in the presence of the holy Shechinah (without any awareness of it at all) and continue to exist.
Just as an individual needs to awaken themselves to the true value, import, and effect of his or her mitzwoth, a couple needs to come to terms with the awesome reality that some of the mitzwoth that fall on them to perform can only be accomplished through their spouse.
For the simplest explanation think of it this way, there are mitzwoth that only apply to certain parts of the body, but don't think that a mitzwah taking place locally in one part of the body means that the rest of the person hasn't fulfilled their obligation.
Don't think for a moment that just because we only see the tefillin on the left arm doesn't mean the right arm isn't wearing tefillin.
I explained that even though it may appear to be the case, take a passuk like זאת תורת האדם - this is the Torah of man for example, it is not really true at all. In fact, Adam does not mean man, or at least it doesn't refer to the same element as the word Ish, (איש) man. We can see this from the Talmud in which it explains that a man is not called אדם - Adam unless he is married. From this we can see that a single man is an איש and a woman an אישה (Isha) and only an איש and אישה united constitute the word אדם, Man as in Mankind.
From this we can understand that a husband and a wife are both always performing actions for the whole. When one is learning Torah (either one) the couple is involved in Torah learning. When one is praying, both are involved. When one is preparing for Shabbath, both are involved.
There is no way, shape, form, or reason to try and break this union into its two constituent halves. There is no mitzwah that affects only one half of the whole.
This isn't an apologetic attempt to excuse one spouse or the other from learning Torah or anything else, it is just the opposite. One of the reasons why performing a mitzwah is so powerful is because its effects are hidden from us in this world. (שכר מצוה בהאי עלמא ליכא - there is no reward for a mitzwah in this world because the reward couldn't fit into this world, it is too great!) If we were aware of the awesome divine light that is revealed with each little berachah, we would never get to perform a second mitzwah, we would be blissing out on the first one indefinitely. It is only because the results of our actions are hidden to us that we may stand in the presence of the holy Shechinah (without any awareness of it at all) and continue to exist.
Just as an individual needs to awaken themselves to the true value, import, and effect of his or her mitzwoth, a couple needs to come to terms with the awesome reality that some of the mitzwoth that fall on them to perform can only be accomplished through their spouse.
For the simplest explanation think of it this way, there are mitzwoth that only apply to certain parts of the body, but don't think that a mitzwah taking place locally in one part of the body means that the rest of the person hasn't fulfilled their obligation.
Don't think for a moment that just because we only see the tefillin on the left arm doesn't mean the right arm isn't wearing tefillin.
6.11.07
peace for peace
[I'm sure there must be precedent for this in the literature of Chazal, but for me this is a hidush.]
We are taught that on our wedding day we are forgiven for all our sins.
My hidush is this: Every day that we restore our relationship to the status it had on our wedding day, we are forgiven for our sins.
People may say (and rightly so) no, your relationship has grown since your wedding, bringing it back to the relationship it was on the day of your wedding would be a step backwards. True. But the intention here is not that your relationship is the same as on your wedding day, but rather just as on your wedding day you were in a state of complete peace with one another, any day you restore total and complete shalom bayit, that day is like your wedding day.
To those who feel this isn't very difficult, I'm happy to hear that. I don't even know if it is difficult at all. My point is that the kavanah of the statement that we are foregiven for our sins on our wedding day is based in the shalom and unity of the new couple. Whenever we act to maintain that unity, HaShem certainly forgives us our past sins.
[this is why, in shacharit, creating shalom bayit is one of the things that "we eat the fruits in this world, and the keren, the lump sum, is waiting for us in the next world," we merit to be foregiven in this world, that is the fruit we eat, and in turn, because we are absolved in this world, we receive the next world as well.]
We are taught that on our wedding day we are forgiven for all our sins.
My hidush is this: Every day that we restore our relationship to the status it had on our wedding day, we are forgiven for our sins.
People may say (and rightly so) no, your relationship has grown since your wedding, bringing it back to the relationship it was on the day of your wedding would be a step backwards. True. But the intention here is not that your relationship is the same as on your wedding day, but rather just as on your wedding day you were in a state of complete peace with one another, any day you restore total and complete shalom bayit, that day is like your wedding day.
To those who feel this isn't very difficult, I'm happy to hear that. I don't even know if it is difficult at all. My point is that the kavanah of the statement that we are foregiven for our sins on our wedding day is based in the shalom and unity of the new couple. Whenever we act to maintain that unity, HaShem certainly forgives us our past sins.
[this is why, in shacharit, creating shalom bayit is one of the things that "we eat the fruits in this world, and the keren, the lump sum, is waiting for us in the next world," we merit to be foregiven in this world, that is the fruit we eat, and in turn, because we are absolved in this world, we receive the next world as well.]
17.10.07
relate now
As we mentioned previously in this quote from Likkutei Halachot, the Ariz"l said that the upper worlds and everything happening within them are in a constant state of motion, forever changing. This knowledge was the basis for the lesson we brought out there in relating to HaShem always in new and different ways.
Many people may have trouble understanding the nuances of what it means to serve HaShem always from a place of newness. I will repeat (endlessly if need be) that all the deepest secrets of the world are hidden very close to us. In this particular case it occurred to me that the perfect example of this avodah is actually part of the natural order of things: relating to one's spouse.
Personally, as a guy, it seems clear to me that the example is much stronger when the spouse in question is female, but I believe it applies in both directions. Relating to another person is something very different than relating to furniture, natural phenomenon, or even pets. People are naturally unpredictable. You can certainly learn their patterns and have a fairly good idea of where they are going with a particular train of thought, but you can never be sure, because people are always changing.
The situation of marriage in which you are forced to relate to your spouse in every possible frame of mind and at every possible moment is the closest parallel we have to understanding what it is to relate to HaShem. Having another person constantly in your life who is always changing and growing and who always requires change and growth from us is one of the ways that we are naturally educated to connect and relate to HaShem.
When your partner ceases chas v'shalom to grow and change, and starts to become repetitive and boring, we start to have a harder time relating, we think they are starting to age, to grow old. At this point the relationship begins to hinge solely on loyalty and past experiences, something that takes even more out of the 'youthful' partner to maintain.
This is exactly what Rabbi Nachman describes in our Avodath HaShem. Think of HaShem as the ever-young, ever-new partner. Think of how the relationship looks to Him (k'vyachol) when we cease to be interesting and alive, when we are lost in daily repetitions of the day before, when our responses are by-rote reflex-arcs--never even reaching the brain. Thank God that He has the energy to maintain the relationship even in this geriatric state of senility. He is still loyal, He remembers the kindness of our youth. (זכרתי לך חסד נעוריך)
But, is that really the best we can do? Sadly many of us fail at the marriage thing, the relationship thing.. it's hard and it really takes two willing and youthful participants to continuously overcome their fears and be courageous, be ever more selfless. But, whether we fail or succeed at this, we are learning valuable lessons in relating to HaShem.
In the case of a human relationship we can always blame the other party, sometimes legitimately. In the case of a relationship with HaShem, we have no one else to blame. If we fail, we can always try again, we get near-endless chances to recognize that we never figured out or made clear what it was we wanted, that we weren't willing to listen, that we weren't willing to think beyond ourselves, that we weren't willing to give it a real chance.
Relating to HaShem isn't a guessing game, it isn't a magic show, it's about engaging HaShem in every one of your experiences. HaShem is always there waiting for us to snap out of our premature senescence.
[There is no conspiratorial club that divulges all the secrets, there's only your life where all the secrets have already been laid bare, right before your eyes, if you really look to see. If you don't know how to look, then pray plead beg for new eyes.]
Many people may have trouble understanding the nuances of what it means to serve HaShem always from a place of newness. I will repeat (endlessly if need be) that all the deepest secrets of the world are hidden very close to us. In this particular case it occurred to me that the perfect example of this avodah is actually part of the natural order of things: relating to one's spouse.
Personally, as a guy, it seems clear to me that the example is much stronger when the spouse in question is female, but I believe it applies in both directions. Relating to another person is something very different than relating to furniture, natural phenomenon, or even pets. People are naturally unpredictable. You can certainly learn their patterns and have a fairly good idea of where they are going with a particular train of thought, but you can never be sure, because people are always changing.
The situation of marriage in which you are forced to relate to your spouse in every possible frame of mind and at every possible moment is the closest parallel we have to understanding what it is to relate to HaShem. Having another person constantly in your life who is always changing and growing and who always requires change and growth from us is one of the ways that we are naturally educated to connect and relate to HaShem.
When your partner ceases chas v'shalom to grow and change, and starts to become repetitive and boring, we start to have a harder time relating, we think they are starting to age, to grow old. At this point the relationship begins to hinge solely on loyalty and past experiences, something that takes even more out of the 'youthful' partner to maintain.
This is exactly what Rabbi Nachman describes in our Avodath HaShem. Think of HaShem as the ever-young, ever-new partner. Think of how the relationship looks to Him (k'vyachol) when we cease to be interesting and alive, when we are lost in daily repetitions of the day before, when our responses are by-rote reflex-arcs--never even reaching the brain. Thank God that He has the energy to maintain the relationship even in this geriatric state of senility. He is still loyal, He remembers the kindness of our youth. (זכרתי לך חסד נעוריך)
But, is that really the best we can do? Sadly many of us fail at the marriage thing, the relationship thing.. it's hard and it really takes two willing and youthful participants to continuously overcome their fears and be courageous, be ever more selfless. But, whether we fail or succeed at this, we are learning valuable lessons in relating to HaShem.
In the case of a human relationship we can always blame the other party, sometimes legitimately. In the case of a relationship with HaShem, we have no one else to blame. If we fail, we can always try again, we get near-endless chances to recognize that we never figured out or made clear what it was we wanted, that we weren't willing to listen, that we weren't willing to think beyond ourselves, that we weren't willing to give it a real chance.
Relating to HaShem isn't a guessing game, it isn't a magic show, it's about engaging HaShem in every one of your experiences. HaShem is always there waiting for us to snap out of our premature senescence.
[There is no conspiratorial club that divulges all the secrets, there's only your life where all the secrets have already been laid bare, right before your eyes, if you really look to see. If you don't know how to look, then pray plead beg for new eyes.]
11.10.07
Evolution of my blog
I don't usually acknowledge or respond to memes here as being a blog primarily focused on Torah, the trendiness of memes is more than a little misplaced. The catch is, this blog wasn't always a Torah blog, so I thought this particular meme had a light to shed on how this blog became a Torah blog. (Thanks to Chana @ The Curious Jew for making me look back on my past.)
What I will say is that at a point right around when our dating got serious I realized that the only way it (the relationship) would succeed is if I put all of my energy into it. I told HaShem that I was only willing to plan for success, and if I failed, I would have to rely on Him to pick up the pieces, because there would be nothing of me left.
Somewhere in there was the key to the switch that took place that changed my life in such a profound way. This blog was always a way to share a little piece of my life with others, as it still is. The major change in the blog's content was a reflection of the major change in the focus of my life. A change of focus I was waiting for for a long time, a change that I knew was bound to happen, but whose scope I could never have imagined.
You will find no other mention of my dating in this blog, there was barely an announcement about our marriage, because it is such a private special thing, sharing it with others runs the risk of cheapening it. I only mention it now because my wife told me she didn't mind.
- First posting - I had a good idea of what I was aspiring to, hence the name of the blog, but not a clear idea of how to get there.
[b''h this blog will turn darkness into light, rather than drive it away, and sweeten the bitterest moment yet known.]
- First actual Torah content - This was the first impression, foreshadowing perhaps, of where the blog would eventually go.
...performing mitzwoth, ie. God's will, is a long term job; just like a harvest, nothing happens in a day, it takes a cycle of seasons before one may appreciate the fruits of one's labor...
- Recognising the role of this blog - I realized that while I'm growing in Torah and closeness with HaShem, I'm losing the ability to connect to the world of all those (close friends and family) I've left behind. The solution was to start sharing my insights through my blog.
...as my friends come to visit me here in israel more and more i feel i've lost touch with them--the ways i've grown and the ways they've grown have diverged. that scares me a little, mainly because i feel like they would benefit too from knowing what i've learned...
- Starting to make blogging my Torah a reality - It took me a while to get into the blogging mood and sometime shortly after this I took it upon myself (bli neder) to write three divrei Torah a day. That doesn't always get realized but for the better part of a year many divrei Torah came out of that effort. I also started to really get to the Torah that is rooted in my heart:
...Judaism is founded in iconoclasm and unrelenting optimism. We bind ourselves to the truth of God and to nothing else. When we start to identify with denominations, sects, congregations and trends, we are buying into the false structure of the world, we are buying into the chaos...
- Really taking off - It is completely true that as we open ourselves up to Torah, the Torah opens itself up to us as well. I first learned this lesson when I was eighteen studying in Yeshivah in Efrat for about six months. I wrote a weekly dvar Torah home to my family and I would sit all day and night pondering the passukim of the Chumash--much to the chagrin of those who would have had me learn in shiurim and chevrutoth. This blog is a really good example of this lesson. Thank HaShem, with my 30-45 minutes of learning each day, I've been able to internalize so much through trying to pass it on to others here. This past year I feel like I've been taking off. Each day brings so many new insights and understandings, so much depth that was lacking before. But there's so much farther to go... we've never really started.
What I will say is that at a point right around when our dating got serious I realized that the only way it (the relationship) would succeed is if I put all of my energy into it. I told HaShem that I was only willing to plan for success, and if I failed, I would have to rely on Him to pick up the pieces, because there would be nothing of me left.
Somewhere in there was the key to the switch that took place that changed my life in such a profound way. This blog was always a way to share a little piece of my life with others, as it still is. The major change in the blog's content was a reflection of the major change in the focus of my life. A change of focus I was waiting for for a long time, a change that I knew was bound to happen, but whose scope I could never have imagined.
You will find no other mention of my dating in this blog, there was barely an announcement about our marriage, because it is such a private special thing, sharing it with others runs the risk of cheapening it. I only mention it now because my wife told me she didn't mind.
20.9.07
peace of house
Dixie Yid brought down from the Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh yesterday that our level of enjoyment (עונג) in the next world is directly related to our enjoyment of mitzwoth and Torah (and HaShem) in this world.
A Simple Jew also mentioned the crisis of men whose wives are in nidah.
I wanted to learn zchut on klal Yisrael, so this morning in my tefillah I had an insight into both of these matters, and they are directly related.
Know that the relationship of a husband and wife is a taste of the world to come. This we can see in a number of ways, but most simply in that the name of the most intimate act between husband and wife is both Bi'ah and Da'ath. Bi'ah from the root of בא (to come, as in Olam HaBa, the world to come) and Da'ath meaning knowledge. (והאדם ידע את חוה אשתו) Da'ath is the attribute that enables one to connect to HaShem and reveal and know Him. The world to come is described as מלאה הארץ דעה את השם - the world is filled with knowledge of HaShem.
Let's take it a step further. When a husband and wife consummate their marriage and bear a child, they are drawing HaShem's light more clearly into the world than is possible in any other context. Today's Tanya says outright that pregnancy and birth is a revellation of the Infinite Light in this world.
Conversely, the potential to bear children that is unfulfilled, is similar to the destruction of the Holy Temple, and so when a wife is in nidah she is separated from her husband just as Bnei Yisrael is in exile from HaShem. (language that is used a number of times in Tanach) [Not to imply chas v'shalom that a person is held accountable in the same way as in destroying the Beit HaMikdash, but rather that there is a parallel] In such a situation one has an oppurtunity to really feel the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash and the Galut on an individual level, and so one is also uniquely able to pray on behalf of the Shechinah and the Am, that our Galut should be shortened and sweetened.
So in short, all those who are able to enjoy their marriage, will simillarly enjoy the world to come. This is in addition to all those who are able to find joy in HaShem directly; Marriage is a tool uniquely geared and designed directly by HaShem to allow one to achieve tremendous closeness with Him in this world and the next.
In matter of fact, a Karbon (קרבן an offering meant to bring one closer to HaShem) is called by the same name as a wife, אישה, as in ריח נחוח אישה להשם - a pleasing scent offering, a fire to HaShem. In this sense shalom bayit is itself a constant offering before HaShem.
A Simple Jew also mentioned the crisis of men whose wives are in nidah.
I wanted to learn zchut on klal Yisrael, so this morning in my tefillah I had an insight into both of these matters, and they are directly related.
Know that the relationship of a husband and wife is a taste of the world to come. This we can see in a number of ways, but most simply in that the name of the most intimate act between husband and wife is both Bi'ah and Da'ath. Bi'ah from the root of בא (to come, as in Olam HaBa, the world to come) and Da'ath meaning knowledge. (והאדם ידע את חוה אשתו) Da'ath is the attribute that enables one to connect to HaShem and reveal and know Him. The world to come is described as מלאה הארץ דעה את השם - the world is filled with knowledge of HaShem.
Let's take it a step further. When a husband and wife consummate their marriage and bear a child, they are drawing HaShem's light more clearly into the world than is possible in any other context. Today's Tanya says outright that pregnancy and birth is a revellation of the Infinite Light in this world.
Conversely, the potential to bear children that is unfulfilled, is similar to the destruction of the Holy Temple, and so when a wife is in nidah she is separated from her husband just as Bnei Yisrael is in exile from HaShem. (language that is used a number of times in Tanach) [Not to imply chas v'shalom that a person is held accountable in the same way as in destroying the Beit HaMikdash, but rather that there is a parallel] In such a situation one has an oppurtunity to really feel the destruction of the Beit HaMikdash and the Galut on an individual level, and so one is also uniquely able to pray on behalf of the Shechinah and the Am, that our Galut should be shortened and sweetened.
So in short, all those who are able to enjoy their marriage, will simillarly enjoy the world to come. This is in addition to all those who are able to find joy in HaShem directly; Marriage is a tool uniquely geared and designed directly by HaShem to allow one to achieve tremendous closeness with Him in this world and the next.
In matter of fact, a Karbon (קרבן an offering meant to bring one closer to HaShem) is called by the same name as a wife, אישה, as in ריח נחוח אישה להשם - a pleasing scent offering, a fire to HaShem. In this sense shalom bayit is itself a constant offering before HaShem.
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