without graphs

When I studied Astronomy in university I wrote software to help make the boring parts of the work more trivial. When I studied almost anything I would graph the ideas out visually making logical and useful connections. At times, when there was so much information, I experimented with grouping whole structures of information into simple icons and then graphing the relationships between the icons. Sometimes I would crack open a 3d animation software package and start laying things out in 3 dimensions when I wanted to be able to see the big picture, how everything interacted.

Imagine my disappointment the first time my Rav told me I couldn't draw representations of the interactions of sefirot, partzufim, or any of ther other Kabbalistic constructs that exist in the Kabbalistic literature. Why? There's two major reasons, as best I understand it, and I still hope to convince my Rav to help me to find some way to circumvent them but they go a little like this: 

(a) God forbade us to create an image of any of the constructs we see in the heavens, this is too close to idolatry -- even if you and I both know it's not God and won't get confused.

(b) We can't draw it out lest someone think these constructs really exist, which we know ultimately that they really don't. (As the Sefer Yetzirah says (translated by R' Aryeh Kaplan) 'Ten sefirot of nothingness.')

Yes, there are diagrams of some things, and yes some people do diagram some things. But. But according to the traddition that we have, we don't. And, on the limited occasions where we do draw some sort of graphical representation to help momentarily it is on small pieces of paper or dry erase boards that will be burned/buried or erased (in the case of dry erase boards)  in short order.

I can't claim to understand this all, or even very much, but stop and think about it. What's the difference between graphing out chemical interactions or cognitive ideas and graphing out Kabbalistic concepts? 

The goal of understanding chemicals, mathematics, medicine, biology, literature, etc is to understand them in order to use them to some end. 

Kabbalah (read: Torah and Judaism) is an end in itself. We are drawing ourselves closer to HaShem, becoming more sensitized to holiness and HaShem's designs of and for this world. It isn't that once we understand the constructs of Kabbalah we take them and do something else with them, it is precisely through pursuing these ideas (the same can be said for any level of Torah learning) we are drawing ourselves closer to HaShem.

Does one map out one's spouse's likes and dislikes, or the 'way they work?' No. We get to know them so intimately that the answer to whether they will like this, or how they will react to that is obvious. That is the point of any Torah study, to develop this intimacy with HaShem. 

Always deeper and deeper levels of intimacy.

It isn't even about knowing something in the end, it's about closeness. Developing a closer relationship. You could spend your whole life on the introductions to learning the most basic levels of Torah, and be closer to HaShem than one who davens with all of the yichudim and kavvanoth of the Arizal. It's about your desire to be close to HaShem. 

When one has the desire and burns with  it, so then as you grow in Torah and Tefillah, you pursue that which brings you closer, including study of the hidden aspects of Torah. But that is the true measure of your accomplishments, did they bring you closer.

This helps us to narrow in on exactly what the problem is: HaShem, isn't like your family, when you're at work they aren't there so you draw a picture of them, or commission someone to do so, in this day and age we have cameras so we just snap a quick picture. Since HaShem is always present, drawing pictures or creating some other representation actually creates distance. Would you gaze at a photo of your spouse if your spouse was there in the room having a conversation with you? 

When we gain any true knowledge pertaining to our interaction with God, it's only as true and as deep as it is patently obvious to us. The deeper the connection the more we 'know.' Memorizing names, letters, configurations, constructs, what does that really mean? At most its evidence that we want to be closer to HaShem, even if it testifies that we don't know how to get there. But drawing pictures means maybe we'll settle for the picture the way people hang posters in their room of people they will never be able to relate to personally.

When we grow closer to HaShem with new knowledge it means we've changed. If we sketch something on a piece of paper or in a file, all that's changed is that paper or that file.

We're here to grow, not to amass pictures, charts, or graphs. It's not about commiting it to memory, it's about commiting it to our essence, about internalizing meaning.

To me, this is such a vital lesson for people living in our day and age. And I can't begin to explain how much I benefit from this knowledge. every. single. day.

do you have the will to live?

Society today forces us to run faster and faster. There's a fear that if you stop for a break, you'll get trampled by the stampede.

This is the chidush of Shabbath in every generation.

Stop. Think. Breath.

This is the chidush of every berachah we say every day.

Take your time. Say the words. Think about what they mean.

We're in such a rush to get wherever it is that we're going... But, you think HaShem isn't right here? With you right now? Standing in traffic?

We're always thinking: "I just need to finish this, " or "I just need to deal with this and then.."

You think He didn't plan this? You think He doesn't want you right here? right now? standing in traffic?

Wherever you are right now. You can either be connecting to something deeper, more sublime, more real than any acid trip, or you can be out in the cold, looking at your watch, incredulous, pacing back and forth, fuming with impatience, full of road rage.

Be holy. That's what HaShem wants from you, to be holy. What is holy? It's different. Holy is sincere. Holy is simple. Holy is separate. You can be holy anywhere.

Not only is it ok to stop and breath, to take a moment to reevaluate your values, your direction, it's necesary, vital. Vital as in alive. 

Being holy is being alive.

You are already doing everything you need to be doing.

Just be alive when you are doing it.

It's not about change, it's not about hope. 

It's about life.

aggadata as safety net

According to some opinions, learning Torah sheh b'al peh requires
understanding whereas learning the hidden aspects of Torah it's enough
to read even if you don't understand what you are reading.

It occurred to me that perhaps one of the reasons the Talmud is
interspersed with aggadata is so that even if you aren't sure you
understood correctly you can rest assured some of your learning still
counts.

freezing the depths

The Ohr HaHayyim (R' Hayyim Ibn Attar who lived here in Jerusalem) said something very interesting about the splitting of the sea which I had never heard before. He said the easterly wind that is mentioned blew not to split the waters, but rather to 'harden' the depths of the sea, so that when the Israelites crossed, they wouldn't have to descend to the sea floor and then ascend again on the other side. When it says the sea became like dry land, the Ohr HaHayyim explains, it doesn't mean the sea made way for dry land, but the depths of the sea transformed into solid matter as if it were dry land. According to the Ohr HaHayyim only the upper waters of the sea actually split. 

It paints a very different picture and makes a lot of sense, if the sea had simply split, Bnei Yisrael would have had to traverse quite a distance, and the descent [at the beginning] and climb [at the end] would have been difficult for the children and the elderly.

dinov or breslov

At lunch today, some co-workers asked me to say a few words. I told them I thought perhaps I could present them with a conundrum in Hassidut. They aren't normally involved in Hassidut, but they welcomed the topic.

I explained Rebbe Nachman of Breslov's statement that all attempts towards intellectualism were detrimental, even halachic stringency. Rebbe Nachman himself never held any chumroth, stringencies, in halachic matters.

Then I went on to explain the position of the Bnei Yissachar, Reb Tzvi Elimelech of Dinov, who explained that while proper observance of the mitzwah illuminates one with the internal (pnimi) light of the mitzwah, only the stringencies kept out of a desire to serve HaShem beyond what is required draw down the encompassing (makif) light of the mitzwah.

Does Rebbe Nachman believe that we shouldn't draw down the encompassing light? Could it be that they disagree?

I suggested a possible solution to the dilemma:
We know that with negative commandments, the only way to perform them is to be presented with an opportunity to transgress them, and to withhold oneself. Perhaps, as I've tried to say in the past, this applies also to positive mitzwoth when not in their appointed time--through not performing them at the wrong time we are upholding the commandment. Finally, I concluded, perhaps Rebbe Nachman is saying that through performing the mitzwah exactly as proscribed and, out of great love for HaShem, not adding even the smallest stringency, out of a desire to be utterly simple with HaShem, perhaps this too draws down the encompassing, makif, light of the mitzwah.

knowing how to eat, or eating how to know?

The Zohar on parashath VaYetze mentions the teaching of our sages that a child will not learn to speak until s/he tastes bread. (wheat) The Zohar explains that it is only through tasting bread that a person can begin to develop intellectually. [I believe (though I may be mistaken) the Tanya explains that it is only through speaking that a child can become aware of what is going on inside themselves and in that way come to consciousness and intellectual understanding.]

That is the reason, the Zohar continues, that HaShem gave us bread from heaven in the wilderness. It was only after tasting the man[na] that we could begin to speak the words of Torah and to digest its wisdom.

We are told that Matzah is the bread of emunah. It seems to me now that we spent seven days eating matzah, only now can we begin to speak of Emunah, to truly taste Emunah, and to attain true wisdom in Emunah.

be wisdomless

Rebbe Nachman teaches (Likkutei Moharan II:44) that one should serve HaShem from simplicity. So much so that we shouldn't even read scholarly investigations in support of Judaism.

Even in our halachic observance Rebbe Nachman frowned upon taking on chumroth. (stringencies in Jewish ritual practice)  Even for himself. He said that those who did take stringencies upon themselves could always further split hairs and would forever be in depression feeling as if they've never fulfilled the mitzwoth.

He went on to say, even one who is a master of the true wisdom will reach a point where he must throw all wisdom aside and serve HaShem without wisdom, in simplicity. Because in the end, there is no wisdom or understanding where HaShem is concerned.

To me this is everything I've always felt (and continue to feel) to be true. The essence of Judaism is to be simple with HaShem. Sincere and simple.

words of faith

Rebbe Nachman explains (Likkutei Moharan II:44) that even contradicting emunah in speech, without believing these lies in one's heart is deeply damaging to one's emunah, one's simple and pure faith in HaShem.

The reason for this, he goes on, is that speech is the essence of emunah. [Now that I think about it, speech is the defining characteristic of what Mankind is. (the targum translates Adam's spirit as a 'speaking spirit') So, Man, the only creature with free will, ie. the ability to willfully defy HaShem, is the only one who can have true emunah, and truly call out to HaShem.]

Which leads me to understand something else. If simply speaking against emunah so deeply harms one's emunah, simple speech in support of emunah must work unbelievable healing of one's emunah.

[Maybe this is the basis of Rebbe Nachman's foundational point of regular hitbodedut.] Here too we see any speaking of or with emunah is a boon with which to fill any otherwise wasted time one may have.

night of the splitting

On the seventh night of Pesah, at the Kotel, I heard a derasha from Rav Ades. He was speaking about making oneself holy. Out of everything he said I took away two major points: 

(1) The more we awaken the different levels of our soul to Godliness, the more effect our prayers and Torah have on all the levels of our soul.

(2) In order to overcome obstacles in arousing oneself to prayer or Torah, one needs to draw the flames of Torah down into the deepest recesses of oneself.

These aren't exactly the things Rav Ades said, but this is the best understanding of it I could grasp. I've been trying to implement these teachings in my daily Tanya study. (I normally learn the daily Tanya lesson twice each morning) The first time through the daily lesson, I intend to awaken my soul as much as possible until even my toes want to be involved in the learning. The second time through, I learn with a fierce fire and passion to burn the words deep into my heart.

Rav Ades explained also the idea that the splitting of the sea was only in the merit of Yosef HaTzaddik. He said something to this effect, "Imagine, as the result of one man's holiness, the whole Jewish people survived and escaped."

of one mouth

During Nisan, a number of people mentioned to me (independently) how important it is to be united in what we think and what we speak.

Nisan day 8

Today is the 8th day, representing the month of Cheshvan. Today the Nasi of the tribe of Menasheh inaugurated the Mizbeach in the Mishkan.

Cheshvan is generally known as the only month without special days in it. To me this means the essence of the month of Cheshvan is Shabbath. Shabbath is the highest of all the holy days as well as the essence of the world to come. Yes, there are many teachings about which holidays will remain in the time of the coming of Moshiah and afterwards, but EVERY day will be like Shabbath. Perhaps this is why Shabbat before Pesach, the Chag representing the redemption is called Shabbath HaGadol, the Great Shabbath.

Today is a good day to focus on HaShem's constant presence and how he constantly provides for all our needs. Today is a day to recognize that our role is to make our every act a testament to the fact that HaShem created the world (and continues to create and recreate it constantly.)

[Rav Ginsburgh on inner.org teaches that Cheshvan represents the most elevated and refined spiritual sense, smell, and that the tribe of Menasheh (מנשה) has the same letters of the word Neshamah, soul. (נשמה)]

May we all achieve true simple emunah in the merit of Menasheh firstborn son of the holy brother Yosef haTzaddik, speedily... today.

really learning torah

We often worry about what we should be learning. Even while we learn a particular sefer or seder, we wonder if we wouldn't benefit more from the learning of a different tract. The answer is clearly no.

When we're learning Torah, when these thoughts come up it obviously means we aren't focusing on our learning. If something doesn't really appeal to you it is most likely that it is in fact really important for you to learn, and yet in order to reach the sweetness of this sefer, you simply need to get through the bitterness, the peel, just like with most fruit.

After all, who put this sefer in front of you? Who orchestrated the entire situation in which you now find yourself asking this question? HaShem.

There are two schools of Torah learning, the school that says learning should be entirely for its own sake, and the school that says learning should be in order to connect to HaShem. 

According to the Torah entirely for its own sake school, what could be better than a sefer you feel entirely detached from? Voila! a perfect opportunity to learn purely for the sake of learning, after all you already know you don't want to learn this sefer.

According to the school of learning in order to connect to HaShem, does the sefer limit HaShem? Maybe you should learn something else that makes you feel closer to HaShem, but do you honestly think you can't connect to HaShem through the sefer currently in front of you? Also the Baal Shem Tov teaches that sometimes HaShem hides himself in two levels of hiddeness such that He is hidden and we don't even know that He's hidden. So, there's a chance another sefer might make you feel closer to HaShem, but you might not even know how hidden He actually is. With the book in front of you, you know for sure He's hidden -- voila! only one level of hiddenness, He's now that much easier to find, guaranteed.

There are occasional reasons to stop learning particular sefarim, but they are pretty extreme: 1. If a sefer is making you depressed, stop learning it for a while. 2. If a sefer is inflating your ego it's a good sign you aren't ready for it. 3. If a sefer is making you think about things you shouldn't be thinking about, you have to work on yourself first. 4. If a sefer is actively otherwise interfering with your avodat HaShem, you should look into it. In all these cases you need to get help from a Rav/Rebbe who can guide you. It is almost always possible to overcome these challenges with the right help from a Rav/Rebbe but sometimes the dangers aren't worth the returns. (ie. if a sefer is making you depressed, that's really dangerous, likewise if it's encouraging your ego.)

In short, barring those extreme circumstances, it's important to give a sefer another chance. The first step is to remind yourself why it is you are learning Torah at all, then what your goal is, (ie. connecting to HaShem) then whether you have really been true to your goals vis a vis the sefer in question.

As the Baal Shem Tov taught, HaShem creates the walls in order for you to prove you really want to get to Him. (Randy Pausch in his 'Last Lecture' said something similar but a couple hundred years later.) The Maor Einayim actually drove the point home when he explained that a sefer is just a collection of letters, when you sit down and open the sefer, HaShem puts the wisdom into the letters, forming words, sentences, ideas etc. In other words, the letters in the book are a conduit to the Wisdom which HaShem constantly places (and re-places anew each moment) in the Torah.

If you aren't overpowered by the words on the page in front of you, then take another look and focus a little more. They can and will move you, if you make room for HaShem and let them do so.

Nisan day 7

Today is the seventh day of Nisan, which represents the month of Tishrei. (teshuvah through fear of heaven, and renewal of everything in the world) On this day the tribe of Ephraim (younger son of Yosef) brought their offering to inaugurate the Mizbeah.

The Yehi Ratzon for today's parashah of the Nasi of Ephraim asks HaShem to vanquish our enemies in the merit of Ephraim. It also mentions and emphasizes peace between Ephraim (Moshiah ben Yosef) and Yehudah. (Moshiah ben David)

Tishrei also represents (to the best of my knowledge,) shkiah and nightfall, as well as Sukkoth representing Maariv, the evening prayer. It is a time of celebration and newness as well as a time of forgiveness when Teshuvah is most easy. Sukkoth is also the time of HaShem hiding us away from the world and celebrating privately with us. Simchat Torah also takes place in Tishrei. 

So today is a day to rejoice with HaShem and His Torah. A day to ask forgiveness and appreciate newness.