it's painful. feeling like the world isn't ready for me yet. feeling like i'm waiting for something to happen where it'll all fit. And then i think maybe the world is just waiting for me to push back against it, and then it will embrace me. and here is the near-impossible task. the fear that keeps me from risk. fear of pain, and perhaps of failure. fear of being worse off than i am now. what a ridiculous paralysis.
the only way past the paralysis is to wait until the pain is intolerable--until there's nothing to lose when i act. the pain of the fear is more than the fear of the risk, and then all of my energy and creativity flows unchecked. Then it's like it won't ever end, but it will--it has no where to go.. and i restrain it or send it off in too many tributaries, just to get it out of me.. to let go of the pain and be empty, alone with just me in here, in my universe of cold mind.
i'm without a vessel to contain the sheer force of my creativity.. and the fear is the fear of always being that way. (Ecclesiastes 1:18 "Amassing wisdom brings anger, adding knowledge adds pain.")